I made this at my worst and most angered state. I forget to mention so much how I get like this when I lose patience, but it takes a long time. I push myself beyond my limits just to get out. I felt the expectation I don't want to die alone and existing alone is too much for me.

I don't mean alone with no friends, family, or anything that has to do with relationships. I am frustrated how I really try so hard to connect and can't. I get like this, because I get hurt, from mean things that those people who I judge do to me.

The root of the problem yes is that, but that's not all of it. It's a third of it. The other third is the other people and that one hurts the worst and most unpredictable it's the one that makes me want to shut everyone out, because I don't find anything worth trying to have any faith for temporary people. All of everything I had is temporary, I've been raised it won't be like that, I don't even get casual dates or people come up to me like my family has with my cousin's and my sister. Being constantly left out and feeling like, I'm spoiled for wanting something just anything even food. I feel so guilty for being alive, because all I want is someone to love me and not hold back be mean and be honest if they have to, but I haven't received it the way I needed it. I get suicidal thinking it might happen, but that is all what's keeping me going.

All I do is cry, all I do is fake, all I do is anything to make something real. I show my real emotions, I want to see if they can see past the ******** in person. I can't spell it out to them or I'm asking to get hurt. I don't like being like this, but I don't have a choice as of now till the right friend comes along.

the other third and last third is not myself or the other people. It's where I live and what culture I'm stuck living. Cincinnati is full of people who are conservative and overly critical to protect their assets and their money people only care about themselves, because you can lose your life, your money, and everyone you have in seconds. I mean I can say this for other places, but it's what I grew up with, I was taught and raised at schools indoctrinated that you have to work till you die to get anything good for a little bit, fed so much crap you can do it, but without giving any good skill sets or advice.

People here are all survivors in their own way, whether it's police brutality or poverty or corruption. We are all taught here not to waste anything, not time, not money, not love, not friends. I figured people treat people now as an object. If you want this person around they have to provide food, alcohol, drugs, girls, friends, gas money, vehicles and everything is all about logistics and not much of the fun.

But hopefully that's how I experienced it, and it's just something I could improve on. I never know, but I don't stop figuring it out.

I am so sad from that, it's a loss of hope altogether. I don't have any friends anymore. I don't think I do. I can't say I have one. It's partly me for the things I could have controlled, partly them for not understanding, and it's also how I am a liability and have a lack of resources and the distance of driving from everyone. It's beyond depressing. It's unlivable. I starve myself on binges and exercise with my anorexia stuff I still struggle with just to gain control. I figured if I look good on the outside it might make me more approachable. I have to build the mask just to feel loved for once.

I'm like a heroine addict on feeling loved, accepted, and belonging at home. I get none of it. I give it to others, because it makes me feel better if someone else gets what I want. I never get it in return. I want it and need it, but I don't get it.