(WARNING: Super long & winding stream of consciousness)
Thank you for your helpful replies, Pinky, Marjan, and Mountain.
So a week in limbo and today is a good day. I have given myself permission to think positive empowering thoughts. I remember now how each time I think I'm going to die or want to die because of something very painful, in hindsight I'm ALWAYS a better person for it. If it doesn't kill me, it ALWAYS makes me stronger. It's definitely breaking a bad habit by choosing positive empowering thoughts! Feels so foreign.
It is sad that the way I was treated as a kid kept me still guarded and mistrusting at this age in this relationship. It will be sad if I lost him bc I was taking too long despite my intense inner work.
He IS only the first person i've gotten this close to.
I am a victim of the child abuse and respect its intensity and depth of damage.
That I feel damned and cursed if I lose him makes sense.
I know others that were abused and they only managed to stay alive by spending their adult life, decades, in a mental hospital. That's my brother.
I feel much clearer about my boundaries with my parents. If they had shown accountability and attempted change, everything would be different.
Yes I can accept they did the best they could, blah, blah, but it doesn't mean I'm going to continue feeling any angst over the distance between us.
If I lose this man then it is more about him than anything I did. Perspective : I'm moving from a place I've lived in for 15 years. He is far from perfect and I used what I disliked to keep me comfortably hesitant/cautious. We moved him up there, out of state, only 8 months ago.
There was never any due date for my move date. If anything, the date kept moving up the more I missed him.
There were several circumstances that interrupted/affected our plans these past 8 months. Yes he WAS there alone thru all of it. Yes, I accept how that prob made him pull even more inward than usual. He IS awkward with feelings, his and mine. Very masculine, which I am attracted to strongly, so I accept both sides of that coin.
So in the process of surviving some very tough events alone, his feelings for me and our relationship became annoying and he became detached. A man in survival mode alone with a girlfriend in another state, wanting to talk about "us."
He knew something was wrong within but wasn't sure what. But realized he had to tell me something bc I was feeling his distance and it was messing with me.
So he wanted some time and space.
I gave it to him with complete understanding. I wrote a letter holding myself accountable for all I could. And he appreciated my words.
And today he said he'd call and I'm ready. Yes it's sad the if I lose him over this. But perspective: I didn't have an affair, I didn't betray him... I simply dragged my feet getting ready to move. I was finally ready this month... but... timing.
So as I faced this week losing him maybe, suddenly my perspective shifted: so he has this habit or that character that triggers me, so what?! He is the first I've trusted this much, felt important to, felt protected and safe, ntm physical relations are yum. And I believe I needed this experience to take with me on the move. Without it we would have been doomed probably. I've become much more committed and confidant with us.
So. IF he doesn't want to stay together -I will be very sad and grieve- (or if he even wants to extend this limbo - I won't/can't) I choose to believe it's HIS fears blocking us if he drops us. I will remember that ours is the longest relationship he has ever had; most ONLY a few months. I choose to believe that THAT is significant.
What I HAVE learned or what HAS shifted in me are:
-enough with fears and doubts. Jump in or walk away.
-the critical in my head about him are no different than the ones I hear from him. Deal with it. Get tougher. Enough with taking things personally. And I'm no better.
-if he chooses us after all this recent = he really really does love and want me and he really is for me and I can relax all my guards. I'll remember that this is as good as it gets because we are all broken humans. And hold on to the good as it is.
There is one thing I'll reply with if he says he can't stay with me: "if/when you remember and feel the love you have for me, look me up". (It's my way of planting my seed, still hopeful, and saying what I believe without imposing: I believe in his love and desire for me and that he has only stuffed his feelings down in order to function during some difficult events. When he gets stable again he'll hopefully be able to access those feelings. But I will be hopeful without sitting around waiting)
__________________
"The question is not how to change
ugliness into beauty,
pain into pleasure,
or misery into happiness...
The question is how to change
the unconscious into conscious,
how to infuse awareness into ourselves and
embrace reality as it is..."
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)
Last edited by htebsiL radnalaS; Dec 21, 2014 at 05:22 PM.
Reason: add clarity
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