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Originally Posted by Adelyn
What did the therapist say? Did he/she try to explain that violence is unacceptable?
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Yes, she did.
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Originally Posted by Adelyn
Do you have siblings? It doesn't sound like you have children.
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I don't have children. If I did, things would be even more complicated I'm sure (like when my parents will act like the injured party when they learn I don't want them near my children). I do have a sister, but she's older and we don't share the same mother or upbringing. We have a good relationship. She doesn't approve of what my father did but she is close with him. She's kind to him, leaves her children with him, etc. I hate it but I don't want to make her "choose."
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Originally Posted by Adelyn
I think if you decide to have a relationship with your parents then you need to set some ground rules. Firm and straightforward.
--If you're violent with me, I will promptly call the police. Follow through on that.
--If you call me names or say degrading things to me, I will not engage you, I will simply leave. Cut off contact with both of them for a period.
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Following through is critical. I was threatening to call the police on him since I was a young kid…he always laughed in my face. He knew I wouldn't. I know I won't call the police, but I've stopped making threats I'm not prepared to act on. Last time I made a threat I did intend to act on (I said I'd tell my sister what happened and who knows if she'll let him see her kids after that) he ran to tell her first, weaving a tale of deep remorse. This ensured that I'm out of the loop and he got to put his spin on what happened. So now, in addition to having problems with him, he brought my sister into this mess as a sympathetic party (never mind that I felt he violated my right to share my story when I felt ready rather than whenever it conveniences him). She believes he came to confess to her out of remorse rather than to try to save his own skin (I don't). And she still lets him take the kids for the weekend (every time I hear about it I feel stressed the whole time that something will happen to them). I feel like this deception now unites my father, mother and sister to my exclusion. Overall, I'd say I would have been better off not making any threats.
I did make clear to them that their actions toward me will begin to have consequences. At least in conversation, particularly with my mother, I feel I've been doing a good job giving non-reactive responses to the infuriating things she says. I don't think it's sinking in yet, but that's ok because I no longer feel steamrolled at the end of our conversations. That's good enough for me. I don't know if I'll ever succeed in getting her to act respectfully but at least I can succeed in not feeling hurt.
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Originally Posted by Adelyn
I know, easier said than done. And it's almost Christmas a holidays are tricky. Another thing you can do is not go the their home alone. Bring someone else--a friend or a significant other.
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Tell me about it. I really do want to see the rest of my family without seeing my parents or staying at their house over the holidays. It isn't really possible. I'm trying to decide what to do…don't celebrate the holidays with family (and let my parents prevent me from seeing family) or celebrate the holidays with family (and feel defeated, like I'm validating my parents). It feels pretty lose/lose from where I stand.