>I can't even tell you how sorry I am that those people did this to you I'm stunned.. How could they?! Seriously.. I need to say this - those f*tards!!!
Thanks you for the compassion. And about the part, how could they...probably, from their point of view - they think that they just got rid of toxic and negative person such as myself. But in fact, i was experiencing withdrawal from SSRIs meds and i was in pretty bad shape of mind. My ex-friend used this opportunity to get attractive in her eyes, while i was in my most un-attractive state of mind. It was pretty easy, because in the first place he was much successful in life than i am. And the most part that i hate about this - i was so mad while all this happened, that i could not express my feelings and thoughts to either of them. I wrote some stupid bitter insults instead of cold writing in details that could explain to them, why what they did to me was wrong and how exactly its looked from my perspective. So, in the end i ended up looking like some resentful, mad, aggressive, pathetic kid, whom totally deserved the way he got treated. My final actions justified their betrayal in their eyes. All those dumb things i wrote to them will be the last things in our history forever. I hate myself so much for it. And i hate ex-friend so much because he knew me very well to predict my thoughts and feelings, but he didn't care anyway.

>I hope you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway - what they did was NOT your fault. Absolutely not!
I really want to believe in this. A lot of people said this to me already. But they don't have the angle of things that i have in my memory. I see clearly what things i did wrong and the things i should not have done. Its so hard to forgive yourself in such situation. Sometimes i sit somewhere, memory of my failure pops in mind, and my mind fills with hatred towards myself - "damn, how could i be such stupid idiot?". This self-hatred is great part of hatred towards my ex-friend.

>I feel there are no shortcuts you can take.
Yeah, i thought as much. I hope i wont ruin my health or kill myself during the process of recovery.

>Not sure how you feel about medication, but maybe your doctor can prescribe you something to make you feel better while you work through this.
As i wrote earlier, i partly blame medication for the whole thing. If i would not have experiencing the withdrawal - i would handle it all much better and maybe even could avoid it at all. My ex fall in love with the guy who was on meds, it was illusion that i should have keep working or didn't create the illusion from the beggining. So i really despise the meds right now, can't even look at them.

>And if you do feel like you need something specific, you could say, 'I feel this way, can you tell me I'll be alright/it wasn't my fault/give me a hug'/whatever it is that you need.
People around me got tired from my whining already. Nobody is going to give me a hug and telling me that i'll be alright.

>>Forgiveness is something that you pursue FOR YOU - it's not about informing the other parties that you've forgiven them , so please remember that.
I know that and all other rational conclusions on that subject. But my mind is pure irrational right now, it cant be beat with logic.

>So why don't you conceptualize and visualize yourself letting go of a little bit at a time.
Thanks, i will try to do it. But other visualisations that occupied my mind are far more powerful because they are obsessive. There are a lot of images in my mind about those two people and it seems like my mind can't let them go.

>Can I ask you - have you ever had life experiences prior to this where you felt 'betrayed' or 'abandoned'? Feelings of jealousy/envy? The reason I ask is because sometimes things happen in our lives and on the surface level, we believe these most recent experiences to be the true cause of our reaction and the feelings that ensue - but in reality the recent events also activate or agitate unconscious emotional 'material' that we had suppressed/repressed and were carrying with us from our past experiences. So that can amplify the reaction & effects to the current circumstances/experience. In other words your reaction/emotions/ run much deeper than the present situation might warrant.
Its actually very smart piece you wrote there. I never was betrayed like that before, but many people abandoned me, including few friends and more important - my father left me when i was 5 years old. Its very possible that is related to my condition right now.

>I recommend listening to classical music - even if you don't normally prefer that genre, force yourself to do it for 45 min - 1 hour anyway.
I loved this genre before. My ex-gf was a brilliant piano player. Now when i hear piano, i want to puke.

> Spend some time in nature (like going hiking). Explore self-help type reading/books.
Hiking is impossible right now, its coldest winter here and im swamped with my studies and work. Can you offer some book titles?

>remaining idle and feeling 'helpless' and like a victim of your own thoughts/emotions - you know?
The problem with me - all those feelings of strong hatred and depression draining my energy and motivation to do anything. They sucking me dry and in the result i remain idle and helpless. Don't know how to break the cycle.