Dear, dear Ozze, Your post is very ,very brave and I applaud you for having the insight to reach out.Not everyone understands the "mechanics" of the mind, but many of us can relate to it's devastating effects when we are not well.I can relate very strongly to your descriptions of bizarre, violent and disturbing thoughts and impulses and I want you to KNOW that you are not bad or crazy.I am 45 years old and it took me many,many years to get the courage to expose my innermost fears.You should be very proud of yourself for the steps you have taken,not only for yourself but the huge encouragement you are to those of us who have also struggled with our self worth due to thoughts and images beyond our control.I have had very vivid thoughts of children being abused in various ways,have "seen" my own duaghter dead and mutilated and many other intrusive repeated disturbing thoughts.To describe the effect of these thoughts on one's self worth is impossible.BUT, there is help! Threr are caring , experienced doctors who have heard similar experiences before and know how to help you access their origin and thus, how to effectively treat and control these thoughts.If it is any encouragement to you,Ozze, I have been married(mostly happy) for 20 years, have 3 beautiful,grown children,have been self employed off and on and have a very functional life(in consideration of my diagnoses).Most importantly,I am not experiencing those horrible intrusive thoughts .Largely due to medication that aids in my illness.You are in need of professional guidance and support and now.You are loved by those close to you and ,by your very touching post, have reminded me of how grateful I am to be where
I am today. You have helped me by your courage,Ozze, and I support you in your efforts toward a happy,healthy future.Please feel free to keep us posted on your progress(see, you're not the only one who can write novels!) You're in my thoughts...Jill

Dance like nobody's watching.