I know you are right, I know you are, please believe me. Everything you say makes a lot of sense. You are right, I know you are, especially when it comes to the imaginary scenarios of our "marriage" that came into my head, you know, the images I spoke of where we are together doing things. I don't know the truth of it and maybe it won't even work out like the way I'm imagining. Maybe she would get angry if I said she must pick out the house's decorations and accuse me of being too lazy to help, maybe she would think it's lame when I cook her a meal and she might think I'm being silly and tell her friends how lousy I am as a man, that a real man won't do these things.

You see, I know it's conditioning, it's the way the people grew up. It's how she grew up, and it's how I grew up, that constructs the filters through which we view life. I know it's because I don't fit the mould her mom or sister/friends constructed in her mind of how a good man should be.

I know logically, all this makes sense. It's just the feelings won't dissipate. Maybe she is not a nice person, and by all logical reasoning, she isn't. But, for some reason I still love her, I can't explain why or how. It's destroying me, I know it is, but I can't imagine never meeting her, or never getting to know her like I did, it's one of those things where you can't imagine how your life was before that.

I know I'm stupid and weak, I know. I just don't know how to not feel what I feel so deeply.

It's like when before the great flood in the Bible, God was extremely hurt by all the wicked things people had done up until that point, He regretted ever creating mankind. But, here we still are, He gave us another chance, and another, and another. I can't tell you why. Why does He love us so much? Why did He sacrifice His perfect, purest Son to save us from sin? Because we could never fathom how much He really loves us. By all logic, He should hate us for what we have done to Him and his poor, innocent Son, but He doesn't. How do you explain such a thing? You can't.

Oh, but, I don't agree that it is infatuation or obsession. This has been going on for over 3 years already and it is as strong today as it was back then. It is not a "crush". I've had those before. I've had the most ridiculous crushes on some women already, even married women, my female teachers, etc. But, I knew what it was and it passed. This isn't a passing obsession.

Also, nobody ever said that real love has to be reciprocated for it to exist. If that were the case, we'd all be in trouble. Our parents would have left us to die for the first four years of our life then, and God would have just left us to die and fend for ourselves. How will you ever reciprocate that intense love these persons/individuals feel for you, I don't even think it's possible.

This is what I'm trying to say for so long already, let them who have ears to hear, hear me. It's not something that person did in order to "qualify" her for my love. By the same token, there is no measure of bad things she can do to "unqualify" her, just like God still loves us even though we sin constantly. She didn't EARN my love by being X, Y and Z things. She's not perfect, not the smartest girl, not the most beautiful. There are no "qualifiers". Infatuation and obsession are different because you are bowled over by that person's "qualities" or "attributes". They gained your attention, earned your interest. Love is something you feel for someone just because you do, there's no reason. The person doesn't deserve it. It is completely undeserved favour.

Of course I've dated already, it's the first thing I did as soon as I realized my love was unwanted by her. I've dated several women. I've slept with several women too. But, do you know how it feels when there is no love present during a date? It feels like I'm cheating on my wife with another woman. Do you know how it feels when you have sex with a woman you don't love? It feels like I'm raping her, and cheating on my wife with another woman. It feels like that and I'm not even married.

I know there are tons of ways to please a woman, I've read all of them, and applied them. I've been told I am great at it even. I've been told by women I'm the best lover they've ever had and where have they been hiding me all this time. And, you know what all of those compliments does to my ego, my confidence? Not a single thing. I still leave their house with my head hanging down low like a thief in the night. Because all of this is superficial stuff. But, if I'm with someone I love, I don't want to lose her either because of something as silly as having a small penis, so size does end up mattering.

I know love should conquer all of this, and if there's love, stuff like penis-size shouldn't matter. But again, it's the filters we grew up with. Girls learn to screen men on how good they are in bed. Yes, it is a stupid filter, I agree, but it's in place anyway.

Think of it this way. Imagine a gemmologist sifting gravel to find garnets, topaz's or rubies or whatever and he has said that he wants those larger than 5 mm in diameter/size because those are the ones that are most valuable. So he employs a 4 mm sieve and starts sieving. Well, I say he's an idiot, because he is missing out on the 2 mm sized diamonds and 1 mm gold nuggets that are just flying and flowing through his sieve, all going to the waste pile along with the sand and clay! Can you see what I mean by filters?

She is doing the same thing. She has filtered me out. I'm not saying I'm a diamond, as good as a diamond or whatever, but you get the point. I offer something different, and possibly of more value, how would she know unless she tried?

I'm just staggered at the people in this world today, how easily they dismiss, forsake, condemn and reject, just because something/someone doesn't fit the criteria, which is such an arbitrary criteria anyway. I mean, who on earth ever proved that the best men are the ones who are good at sex? Who comes up with this rubbish, and why does it stick like glue?