so here i'm sitting again. i remember myself sitting here in the same place 2 years ago thinking about her, now i'm not even a single step closer to letting go of her.

since it's almost 2015 and I really really really want to leave this all behind in 2014, i just need to stop thinking bout her. just need to do it. even though i feel incredibly unhappy, depressed and empty. this stuff only makes it worse. and it kills me inside when i remember that she only lives 15 minutes away from where I am. so many people have her in her life and I am not one of them and it breaks me every day. but i gotta find a way to accept all of this. there are people who have bigger problems than me, for christ sake. people get horrible diseases, they die, they lose their children, have no food or no house and i keep complaining about this stupid obsession.

i spoke to an old classmate a few days ago, and she told me that she met this woman in the mall a few weeks ago, and they talked and laughed together. i died inside because why wasn't I at the mall that day( i'm at that mall every damn week! If i could see her.. I would cry of happiness..)

it always goes like this:
-> oh, i need to stop thinking of her
-> so, im gonna quit now, REALLY
-> *feels empty and alone*
-> remembers all the nice stuff she said to me
-> cry like a baby, wondering whats she's doing
-> and then it starts all over again.

actually thinking of her and fantasizing that she's with me, is the only thing in this messed up world that makes me happy. so how tough is that, to let go of the only source of happiness that you have..