Hi randman78, you have had quite a time of it, so much so that you had a melt down of frustration there.

Ok, you have had a lot of advice here in your thread and you have been really trying to listen and think about it all too. But while so many can be a computer arm chair coachs to you, none of these individuals are in your shoes or have your history either.

What I see is a young man that is experiencing a big challenge for the first time really. And I am not going to tell you that when your parents helped you have your own place you were giving up something either or that it was wrong. Actually, parents helping their children with getting their own place happens a lot and always has. You were an only child too, so you got extra attention that way. And, you had some big self esteem issues when you were younger with girls playing mind games with you too. I think that because of that challenge you avoided girls unknowingly and just focused on yourself for a while, nothing wrong with that either. And I don't think you thought anything of it when your parents just showed up to visit you either, you trusted them, they were there for you and as you had said, you had nothing to hide from them either. Actually, while they did come and visit you and even had keys to your place, you pretty much lived on your own and had your freedom.

What you are dealing with now though? I don't think you expected to deal with when you and your mother decided to get a place together to save money. I don't think your mother showed you the potential of this taking place before you made that choice so I don't think you realized this challenge could actually happen with her. I don't want to, in any way attack your self esteem in discussing this challenge either. I can see that it is really "new" to you and I am not going to expect you to suddenly be a star at dealing with this challenge either.

Now, this tantrum you just had? Well, I have to tell you that I have dealt with this in students and even adult students that are actually successful and responsible individuals. It is just frustration and fear (( randman)) and you need to slow down and not be so hard on yourself. Women have been a weak area for you in your past, you kind of avoided that unknowingly and quite honestly, your frustration right now is not surprising to me at all. Whenever I experienced a student get bucked off or fall off a horse, they are rattled, and the last thing I do is blame them for it, however, I do encourage them to get back on the horse and try again.

Well, that is what you need to do, dust yourself off and get back on the horse, you had a fall, you are shaken up, that's all. Believe me, you are not the first human being to get frustrated and tear up and thow in the towel in frustration either. Hey, in this conflict with your mother, you just got to see how bad/controlling your mother can really be and she was not willing to listen to you either, that is "her" issue and you can't go off blaming yourself for that either.

Now, when you said, "All I can say it's all over, everything, and my Mom wins." All you are saying is that your mother won that first effort you took to talk to her. She bucked you off and was nasty to you. So you were thrown and hit the ground and are now blaming yourself in frustration. Well, you are a beginner randman, that's all, you just gotta get some experience and learn her tricks and also learn how to stay on track so you don't get thrown again. You just have to build up some resiliance and often that develops as you keep getting back on and learning how to take the reins better and understand that a horse can't buck as big if you keep it's head up so to speak, and believe me, I have had to teach many a student how to learn how to do just that too.

Hey, you have learned something about your mother, it's been quite the eye opener, that doesn't mean you should just give in to her or blame yourself for "her" bad behavior either. I have been reading along in your thread, and while there is interesting fruitful information expressed, I have to say that the overall tone towards you has not really been that of helping you with your self esteem in this challenge. Honestly, any time I have addressed a student, be it adult or child, that was caught off guard and thrown off, did I ever address it with "it is your fault, you were not doing this or that". It's "ok" to be angry randman, it's even ok to be shaken up too, but don't give up, choose to "learn" instead. You know, no matter how many times you get thrown or bumped around, you can still "learn" and do better. You just need to have someone knowledgable listen and observe the challenge you are having and explain the mechanics to you better and teach you some skills so when you have these challenges you can learn to address them better, that's skill learning, that's doable, it really is. Actually, that is what developed into what is called DBT and CBT therapy and believe me, plenty of people have been involved with these therapies too. And let me tell you a secret randman, there is not one person that has posted to you in this thread that has not had their own challenges either to where they too had to learn some skills in how to deal with their challenges. So, I don't want you to walk away from this site thinking you are a failure somehow, because that is simply not the truth. The "truth" is, we learn by "doing" randman and you are involved in a challenge that is actually new to you, and it's not "your fault", you are seeing a side of your mother that you just did not realize was there before, so now you have to learn some skills to deal with it, that's all.

You know randman, every single person is a new experience and will have their own little things that can present a challenge. That's how human beings are, they all have their faults and charactor flaws. Well, guess what, your mother is finally really showing you her charactor flaws. Truth is, your mother is fearful and what she is unknowingly doing is treading water and will pull you under with her in her lack of knowledge about dealing with this kind of challenge in her life, that isn't "your fault", unfortunately people can do that to others. You just have not seen that yet in your life, it's not something you have really developed any skill set for "yet" that's all. It doesn't mean you can't learn "how" to deal with that challenge.

Now, this girl friend? Well, she is not distancing herself because you are now unworthy of her, she does still like you. The only reason she is distancing is because she is realizing that you need some time to figure out how to deal with this challenge and develop some skills to where you can break away from it. Actually, she really sounds like a really nice person and I don't think you should throw her away, people like that are hard to find and worth keeping around, it's rare to find someone who is respectful like that. She is not one of those selfish type girls that you dealt with when you were younger and going through your gaulky stage of development either. Those kind of girls have a name too, they are called "mean girls", I don't think this girl friend was ever like those kind of girls. You know, some guys bloom early and seem to "have it all" in their early years, while others bloom later and actually become much more attractive with time. It sounds to me like you are just a late bloomer, and these men are actually better to have "long term" tbh.

So, please, don't look at this latest challenge with your mother as "the end" ok? You just learned something more about your mother and you just have to learn some new skills in how to deal with her better that's all, and you can do it, you can. And remember, when others give advice that leans on the judgemental side, believe me, they have had to learn things too, often people forget that about themselves, so keep in mind that "advice" often given has been something "learned" by others too, so do your best to realize that and not allow yourself to feel a challenging situation is "your fault" somehow. Sigh....I have seen too many go down that "it's my fault" road, and that's just not the way to go at all. Please, just allow yourself to "learn" instead, because you "can" and honestly, that is exactly what others advising you in this thread have done as well. Hey, myself included, it's part of being human. I think you have had a very "open mind" so far, so "just keep trying" and don't let a disappointment in getting your mother to respond better right away get you down, just get back on the horse and keep trying, you "can" learn.

((Supportive Hugs)))
OE