***Talk of death and sui, please don't read if triggered by these things****

Hi

Another thread has brought me back to this, basically since my mid 20's (now 33) I have gone through phases of obsessing and anxious about what would happen if my hubby passes before me. He is 12 yrs older than me and since women generally live longer, I figure I would spend my few final years all alone. The thing is, I am nothing without my husband. He is everything to me and he is the reason I am here today with a lot of self awareness and progress.

I don't think I can put into words how much I am reliant on my husband. He takes me everywhere (too anxious to do anything alone) and he often talks me down from a lot of craziness that goes on in my head. He also soothes me and honestly, he is my whole world.

I love him so much, I can't get it across how deeply in love I am still with this wonderful man after 15yrs together. It hasn't been easy and we have been through it all but obstacles only made us stronger.

Sorry I am veering off, my worry is, I will crumble if he goes before me...the pain I feel just thinking about it cripples me. Not only will I miss him cause I rely on him so much, I will also miss everything about him and what he means to me. I imagine I will miss him to the point where I will kill myself. Every time I think about this I end up with the same conclusion, I will just kill myself as there is no me without him and that's just that really.

Does anyone else have same issues or thoughts?