I'm going to make this short. I feel very awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Literally want to cringe I feel so awkward.

I was very suicidal last night and called T, told her of my intent to take 2 bottles of pills that night, she said I need to go to the hospital. Basically, long story short, I convinced her I was fine. Instead I went out with my friends ... it wasn't the best night, I did some molly, vicodin, cocaine, but at least I was out and laughing a little than dead.

I feel really uncomfortable because the whole night seems like a giant blur now. I know the T was very worried I could hear it in her voice, and I feel bad. So bad. It makes me feel awkward to know that she knows what's in my head... I'm very ashamed of the way I feel and in my everyday life I play a character this is smart, controlled, lively, outgoing, friendly- not in any way depressed. I'm great at putting on a face, but this T knows the true feelings I have. I feel uncomfortable to talk to her today... and embarrassed that I put her through distress. It also makes me want to suffer alone, and not tell my true feelings so fear that 1. she'll put me in a hospital, but moreso 2. that I will be a pain in her ***. I know I am very difficult to deal with. I know of course, she's dealt with people like me before. But I feel bad that I'm not getting better. I'm a true impulsive trainwreck and it's been months and months of this.

I'm just dreading her call today to see how I'm feeling... I want to disappear. I feel so ashamed. I don't think it's normal to feel this way. I get that the T is on your side, but I wish she almost didn't know anything about me.. but then what's the point