laura, first of all i'm sending a warm safe hug.

when i was a kid the same things happened to me. but i was being sexually abused by a grown man so i didn't know any better. kids do stuff like that - you are right to be angry, but as far as i was concerned i didn't think anything about the boys my age trying stuff even at that tender age, i tried my best to stop them but they would pin me down and look and touch.
when the grown man touched me i froze and just let it keep happening cos he threatened me and i know this sounds really far fetched but he was a hypnotist too, he used to put me under and do got knows what else.
i put a stop to it when i was 15 and buried it deep, always having self esteem and confidence problems, went through a spell of agaraphobia, relationship issues etc. always wore a happy bubbly mask - people have always thought i'm extrovert and centre of attention. it has always been an act. now i am starting to deal with it, just like you are.
nothing will change what happened, but i cant wait to see a pdoc so i can accept and learn to live with it instead of it ruining my life.
you know i am here for you, anytime nothing that happened was your fault - always remember that. every time you harm yourself you are letting them hurt you again and again. dont let them.
keep talking and posting and getting help. holding your hand, here always, kerry xoxoxoxoxo