whatever forever, congratulations on calling your therapist when you were feeling so bad. of course the t is worried. that is the worst situation for a t when someone threatens SI.

at the hospital you get professional people trying to adjust medications to put you on a path to stability.

self medication gives you a confusing blur and no scientific basis for stability. there are great risks in self medicating with rec drugs.

maybe it is not so shameful what you did, but that you survived rec drugs without serious consequences gives you another chance for professional help that will aim at a more stable level of calm. maybe it is less normal to go out on the town with friends rather than listen to professional(s) trying to help you get things into a stable state.