It sucks when we lose control, and I can't imagine how you must feel. I hope you find some sort of peace for yourself.

You say it started when you were a child. Can you remember the first time it happened? Sometimes I think there is no why for what we do. Sometimes we reach a certain age and things just click...and there's no going back, at least not to the life we had before our first episode of whatever issue starts driving us. The hope I find is that, while I can't reclaim that youthful peace and innocence, that there is hope in learning to manage and cope with the issues I face now and stop letting them destroy my life.

Mitch Hedburg (a comedian) once said "If you're lost in the woods, build a house. 'Well I was lost, but now I live here. I seriously improved my predicament!'" It was a joke, of course, but it can also be a serious piece of advice.