Ever since I've been a kid, I've lost everything (gradually or not) at one point. I don't talk with other people most of the time, nor do I get involved. The only reason I still keep on living is to help the world progress in some way, even if I'm aware that such is a vain hope and I'm unneeded.

When I said it'd be nice if I died, mom said "people rely on me", but I don't think that's true, as I don't deal with people anymore. I can't find a single human in this world who would need me. The ones (just a few) in the past only came to me when they had problems. Therefore, it was all selfishness. They only nagged me because of their selfish motives. Now, they seem to get along fine on their own. What more proof do I need not to get involved? I deal with problems, not people. Whenever I deal with people, it makes no difference. I play in this drama when needed, but that's all there is to it.

In the past, I had intentions to help other people, but then I realized that there is nothing to be done about them. They are what they are, and so they cannot be altered in any way. Therefore, the point to deal with them is rather slim. What's more, I just have the faintest presence that gets overshadowed by the other people, so there is no reason for them to listen or understand -

Even if I were to pay attention and try to meddle in their affairs, they don't pay attention to me. I've tested this, and that is human nature. It is because I'm different. And people don't have much empathy or tolerance for things they don't understand, in fact, they tend to make fun of it. No matter what I do, no one remains to talk to me in the end. They all run away from me. They all flee. They never understand. Or perhaps they never want to understand. Even here, I don't think anyone understands. Otherwise, someone could reply in earnest.

I can sometimes 'step out' of my mind and observe myself as if I'd be watching my own self belonging to someone (or something?) else that I have no control over. While watching a family photo, I only see that everything belongs to that guy. The memories, the feelings, the thoughts...That can happen, and so I can realize "Omg, what this guy is doing there!" I can totally think about what defines me (no, him!) at that moment. No, this is not split personality.

As if I would not be in the body. So I keep finding faults in my self (what?) and criticizing everything I do, to get rid of 'that guy' who is in charge. Maybe you could say that...that guy is my remaining Ego, and I am the unattached Self. If I manage to get rid of the Ego, the Self will become free and liberated.

I can't enjoy anything I'm doing; I can't listen to the music with feelings, I can't understand the words I write, can't see the drawing I draw, nor imagine the story I depict...let me suppose that the others can, but myself, I can't. Why is it that they can, while I don't? It is because there is no personality here. There is no "I" involved. Therefore, it was never in my possession. I only borrowed it and shared. All of it belongs to that guy over there. I'm only waving from the distance, the real me, yo.