I'm sorry to post this. I has nothing to do with the holidays and it's a bit of a delayed reaction. And sorry for the length.

I'm devastated.

A year ago, I made a deal with my doctors to work on my physical and mental health for a year and the OB/GYN will prescribe me Clomid to help me get pregnant. The year is up. I am stable on my psych med, have my diabetes under control, have a lot more coping skills, and am more stable. I asked my primary, Pdoc, and T if I had their support. They said yes.

But...

My Pdoc wants me to start DBT before I get pregnant. She also wants my fiance to be in therapy for his anger and stress to prove that he's putting forth effort that he wants to be a good H and father. And she wanted me to talk to him about boundaries concerning abuse and the consequences. These are not requirements, but preferences.

My T also wants me to put off getting pregnant until I start DBT. Again, it's her preference.

I know they are "right". But...

1. I might not be able to go to DBT. T, Pdoc, and primary feel I would really benefit from it. Insurance has agreed to it. I have agreed to try it and keep an open mind. But the clinic's director doesn’t want to let me continue to see my T while in DBT. I will not give up my T. Going back to the county clinic will be traumatizing in itself, let alone having to go to a group, be around strangers, and not having my Pdoc. There are no other options for DBT that I can afford in ALL of San Diego. It's bs.

2. The women in my family have a history of reproductive issues. It took my mom 5 years to have me and that's with medical assistance. She also had to have 3 hysterectomes (yes, 3) at the age of 32. I'm 32... My younger sister had to have an ovary removed at the age of 24. And I have been trying to get pregnant naturally for 9 years... My hormones are just so out of whack. So my "biological clock" is ticking loudly.

3. I know my fiamce needs therapy, but I can't force him to do anything.

4. I also know the possible risks of pregnancy and for my child. There's everything from miscarriage, hormone issues, mood swings, extreme diet due to diabetes, and postpartum depression. For the baby, there's the genetic factor of BPD, other genetic issues (known and possible), my psych meds affecting the baby, my diabetesaffecting the baby, etc. If my child is exposed to abuse, s/he is at greater risk of mental health issues.

I know it's my choice in the end. But I want to do what's right for my child. And I know my T and Pdoc are just stating the facts and care about my wellbeing. I decided to follow my doctors' advice and put off getting pregnant...

It hurts. It's my dream being taken away from me. I'm waiting for that "perfect" time, but it's never going to come. I'm always going to be at risk for myself and a child. I feel like just giving up. My dream was finally obtainable and now it's gone again. What's the point of trying? And maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom. Maybe I would do harm just by creating a person genetically related to me. Does the fact that this is so upsetting evidence that I'm not ready to be a mom? Where does the line of desire vs. selfishness exist? I mean, at least I'm not having a child "on accident", unprepared, for money, to save a relationship, for attention, etc. And I only want 1 child.

It's not fair because I wouldn't even be having these discussions with my doctors if I didn't need medical assistance. And I have always been open and honest with them, and have put forth 100% effort into my treatment. And it's not fair that so many women get to make the decision themselves.

And it's embarrassing and demeaning to have to ask for permission to get pregnant. They got to choose to have their children and when. But because I happen to need assistance and I have mental health issues, I must seek approval. I know it's not a must, but it's close enough. They have the power to tell my OB/GYN no.

Sorry for the long back story.

Here's my issue: everything I wrote is so painful to verbalize. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I think I need to tell my T about this, but I don't know how. I'm not allowed to email things like this that require a discussion. I can't print this and give it to her because she won't read it. And she knows most of this anyways. But she doesn't understand the pain. When she talked about some of this last week with me, I had to use every bit of strength I had to hold back the tears...and some still fell. I begged her to stop talking, but she wouldn't. I have no clue how to get help/support. But I think I really need it.

I really need some support right now. And if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Should I email anyways the night before session? Should I try to talk even though there's a high chance of a breakdown? Do I "suck it up" because it is the "right" choice and try to cope on my own? I don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and hurting so much. It's the holidays when you give and recieve gifts. I just got the biggest gift of my life taken away from me.