Quote:
Originally Posted by SallyBrown
Don't get me wrong -- it's clear to me from the way you write about that you know that having a baby isn't a walk in the park. I know people who thought having a baby would be easy, and you are nothing like them. I say what I did because although I managed to dodge the bullet of postpartum depression (I did have the "baby blues" for about 2 weeks, but thankfully it lifted after that), having a small child was strikingly similar to being depressed in a way I hadn't thought about before, despite having cared for younger siblings, cousins, neighborhood children, etc. Not leaving the house. Not sleeping. Constant physical pain (breastfeeding was very difficult for me, and I injured myself during delivery). Being too exhausted and frazzled to have visitors, but desperately lonely from being exhausted and frazzled. It's all worth it, and I am certain you'll do it all and then some when the time comes, but just think about being persistently in a depressed-like state, and then your F acting up in whatever way it is he usually acts up.
I make no assumptions about whether he's the right man to have baby with, particularly since there was a time I would have gotten the same response you did given the way my H treated me. I'm in a glass house, which is why I am taking the time to respond to you. However, what I *am* saying is -- and it's free advice so you can take it or leave it -- it may be a work in progress, but make sure the progress is at a point where you trust this person to check himself when you are as vulnerable as you can imagine yourself. I say this as someone who is also with someone she should have left at certain breaking points, but has stayed and turned it into a stable relationship. It was worth waiting for the stability.
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I 100% agree with you. It's one thing going at it alone. It's a whole other thing having to also then deal with my fiance. I have told him. I don't know if he gets it. If he does, he'll go to therapy. I don't lie, and have told him everything my T and Pdoc have said. I have also told him that he's holding back "our" dream. When I told him that if I do get pregnant and he doesn't change, I will leave him. He cried. He said he didn't want that. He wants to be a part of his child's life especially since his own father walked out on him. I explained that even the little fights can't happen. Babbies are aware. They are aware when they're in the womb and when they're born. And if he causes me to have breakdowns when pregnant, it increases my hormones which will affect the baby.
I'm not making excuses, please understand that when reading this next part. He's only been physically abusive twice to me. I know...it should be never. The last time was an accident, but still it caused my elbow to break. The cops warned him that next time he'll be put in jail with or w/o my consent. Plus, my entire family has told him that if he ever harms me again, they'll be coming for him...and that's coming from gang members, bikers, etc. Most of the time it's verbal and emotional abuse. Still not acceptable especially given my mental health. He knows he's risking my life when he does it.
Since breaking my elbow, he's been a lot better. But ultimately, I would like to see him in therapy so he can learn to cope with his own anger and stress and learn how to communicate better. He is a good guy, but he's not as emotionally healthy as he needs to be.
But I do understand everyone's concern.
But I also don't want that to be the sole focus. I understand if I was contemplating right now, but that's not the case. My decision is "set in stone". I even emailed the OB/GYN that I am putting it off for awhile. I didn't make this decision lightly and I wasn't forced or required to make it. It was my choice. Because it is the "right" choice for me and a baby.