i am never for sure for sure about him.

i have cheated on him several times, out of uncertainty about him. and i also don't trust his intentions either.

after expressing my concerns about trusting him, he called me a hypocrite, and so i asked if he is one too? and he said yes. which just leads me to believe that i am right not to trust him given the whole context of the conversation.

anyway we have been together for 10 years already, and we have never learned how to really like/trust/or get along together. i think we both hoped someday we would learn to accept/trust one another. but at this point.. after everything i have been through over this season with my mental health issues.. i have just decided i am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and suffering all the time.

so i just have to cut him off.

i realize this is christmas eve and very bad timing.

but he doesn't celebrate anyway.

i gave money for christmas to him, and he used half the money i gave to buy me something, which is fine cause i am not superficial in that way. but then today he wanted more money because he said i made him suffer too much over this holiday season do to my mental health issues not being resolved and do to frequent relapses with alcohol because of my mental health issues.

i don't feel this is fair really. i pretend to feel it is fine in order to get along. but i don't.

also i couldn't give half the money i gave to him to my brother for xmas because he said it isn't fair to him because what has my brother done for me? he said he suffered too much over this holiday and i owe him.

i don't owe him.

where is my gift?

no where.

i don't want it. i am over this. please don't let me forget!!!

~T+B.G