I stopped coming here because it just wasn't helping as much. I've since been able to open up to my friends a lot and I've been dealing with it better, but not really doing better, worse if anything.

I started dating someone who I've been... waiting a long time for, about seven months ago. It was perfect, all of it. Even though he almost passed away in the hospital in August, we were so wonderful together and I really believed we would stay together. I saw a future with him and he saw it with me.

But about two months ago his antidepressants stopped working, most likely because had to go off of them before surgery and going back on them didn't work. He decided he wanted to take a break from our relationship in hopes to save it, and I agreed, but I think I pushed myself into his life too much, only because I really thought he needed to see that he was loved and that I wouldn't abandon him. But two days ago he broke up with me, said he wasn't in love with me anymore. And at first I believed him, but I realized how cold he was being. He isn't someone who would intentionally hurt anyone, especially someone who he said he loves but isn't "in love" with. And so I think this was because of his depression, I think he really thought this was best.

I've had my life torn apart because of this illness. I've had my experience in high school be torturous, I've had the future with the love of my life taken away, and all I want to do is quit. He was all I ever wanted, and as we talk now I always feel like there's more he wants to say, that he's sorry it had to happen this way, that he's sorry he hurt me, that he's sorry he lied. But he won't say it because he wants me to believe this, even though I've told him I know this was a facade.

I don't know what to do anymore. my life has been destroyed by depression and I just.. I don't want to do it anymore. I just don't see it getting better. He was the one who I would've spent my life with. But even so, *I* would've been sick. And he would've as well. I've failed him and I've failed myself. And my life.. I don't want this life anymore. I never have a break. Ever.