thanks for the chat, spal. i really need it.
it's not the space that bothers me. it's the way he left it to the point that it angered him instead of telling me that if i did that or this that he would get mad. it shocked me. he didn't yell or abuse me but when someone says if you call me again we're over when it had been days since i'd spoken to him and i had no idea it would anger him this much, it was an unfair expectation to put on me. now i know i won't call him. it is hard not seeing him because i don't have other friends to talk to and so i don't have anyone to turn to for advice. it has been eight years since i was last in love with some one and i only dated a couple times and i knew they wouldn't work out anyway. i don't really date and i don't give over my feelings to someone so easily. to give my heart to this man is A VERY BIG DEAL. it means i see a future with him.
i can handle the space. i can't handle unreasonable expectations and unfair ultimatums thrown at me out of the blue. i am not one of his ex's. he is nice and normal in many ways and i respect his commitment to his art. he is a wonderful man. i thoroughly enjoy his company and the things that have annoyed his ex's don't bother me. i have accepted him for who he is, but he doesn't really give me a chance sometimes.
i'm 32 and have been in two unusual relationships. first bf i was 19 and i met him on the streets of los angeles. we were homeless together for two months. that was a dependant relationship. second, five years later, lasted as long and was with an very self centred man who slept with 6 people in the last week i was with him. he never told me we weren't dating properly. i thought we were. he was using me for sex. these experiences in dating are not normal, i know this. but so does he!
i'm now worried that this space after our bad phone call will sour our friendship and i can't call to talk and smooth it over. i have to wait to say what i need to. damn. this is why i didn't look for love. it's just too stressful and has worsened my depression. but i'm working very hard on it and on accepting him. hmph, he'd better appreciate that!