you may have some luck if you post in the Transgender & Other Gender Support forum as well

there's nothing shameful in dressing however you want, for whatever reason you want. you don't have to force yourself into masculinity (or femininity) if it's not for you. it sounds like you're in a confusing situation, but fighting what you feel is probably going to only make it more confusing. it's ok to be you, regardless of what that is! I have a lot of issues with shame toward myself, and I know it can be rough, but it feels really good to learn to love yourself for who you are, not just who you wish you could be. whatever you end up doing, I believe in you!