I can relate to what you're saying AlteredState. I feel happiness when I think about the love I have for my family and friends... and the love they have for me.

However, I have been "in love" twice in my life and both times... the moment at which I knew I had fallen in love was terrifying and full of angst and sadness. Both times, I woke up in the morning, looked at the man in question and thought, "Oh no! How did I let this happen? How did I let myself fall in love? Now I'm going to miss him when he's gone!"

There were times in both of those relationships which are some my happiest memories, but there was (and still is) a whole lot of pain and sadness too. I'm terrified of falling in love again. I'm dating someone right now and I'm doing everything I can to avoid having any feelings for him other than caring about him (a little bit), finding him somewhat interesting and enjoying his company. If I feel a twinge of anything more than that, I push it away. I feel as if I need to fall in love about as much as I need another hole in my head. Being in love is like a form of insanity for me... too much emotion, too much anxiety, too much intensity. I'm not fond of any of those things. Being in love makes me feel weak and uncontrolled. I like to feel strong and I feel lost and out of sorts when I'm not in control of my emotions.