Thank you waterknob. I needed to hear that and to know that someone understands. I often feel forgotten, in then way, and like I am supposed to be okay, or so it seems. I too have a mental illness, and struggle with being DID, but it seems that is often forgotten. I can't help it, I didn't do this to myself, but I must fix it and be okay.

If I could click my fingers and be okay don't people think that you would? I hate me, I always have. Christmas has always been a hard time of year. I'll even admit, life itself is hard, but I feel I do pretty damn good despite all I have been through. And I try, even when it often feels no one else does.

But last night I felt it didn't matter, I didn't matter. I laid alone, crying, afraid, feeling there are expectations of me that are not of others, always has been. Physical pain was not the only thing out of control, and it really scared me. I too am struggling not only with the memories but with both physical and mental illness. Just out of major surgery a week now, but still trying my hardest to do all that I can do.

Somewhere that all gets lost, seems forgotten. My boundaries, feelings, abuse, pain....never mattered, I never mattered. But everyone else's does. I'm not perfect, but no one is. But somehow I should be.

I should hate the world, but somehow I don't. But especially sometimes, it feels the world disappears, and like no one even notices I am around. I sometimes feel it would be best if I just disappeared, it would make life so much easier for everyone else. I have always known that, been told that, and sometimes it still feels that way.

Seems so many get excuses, reasons, take and take, give nothing back. You give all you can, try as hard as you can, it is still not enough. Christmas Eve has always and will always be a hard time for me. Life itself was and is, as it is for so many, I get that. I'm sorry I can't just get over it. Just be strong and give it to God. If only it were that easy. I wish it were as easy to do that as it seems to be to forget I have an illness too.

But I will paint on that smile again, be okay for everyone else, and sit quietly not bothering anyone else. No one will even know the emotional or physical hell and loneliness I am feeling, especially not today. I will do all that I can do to hide it just as I always have had to.................and pray no one ever hast to feel or know the way I feel. Just be okay for everyone else.

Stupid me......just forget.................my stupid brain......I hate it...........