It's hard to not get wrapped up in the thought process of being like " I use to be"
My T once told me looking into the past and wanting to be "that person again" is just a terrible way to live. Everyone changes over time whether MI is there or not.
My advice in the here and now, Work with your pdoc on finding a good cocktail for you and work with a Therapist that will help you find coping skills and learn to let the past go and not take up so much space in your life now.
Bipolar sucks , a lot. But it cycles , it always does. Bipolar just doesn't fight fair