I'm not okay.

it started years ago as just a way to get rid of booze if I drank too much. purging was easy, it didn't hurt, no problem.

and then it because only when I ate wayy too much, as an absolute last resort.

but then I went to college and life got hard, and I got sad, and so I ate. I ate because it gave me something to do, because it let me not think about anything else, it gave me something to focus on. and then once i got full I'd just keep eating, because what else was I going to do? And then it was so easy, I mean I had the tupperware or bags from the take out right there, I could just purge back into them and toss them. so i did.

And then I moved into my own place, and got a job. I told myself all through college that once I "made it" I could get into my own schedule that I had control over, and then finally things would be different. well, things are different. I'm worse.

I started speaking to a therapist though an online program and at first I felt like things were slowly maybe going to be okay. but then all of the sudden they're even worse. The past two weeks Ive purged every day, sometimes twice a day. I'm scaring myself.

I'm scared to lose my teeth and to hurt my body. but I'm scared to gain the weight from the calories if I don't purge. I wish I could just check myself in somewhere for treatment but I can't afford to.

my therapist told me to do some research, and recommended this site. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't know if I can get out of this, I want to but I don't know if I'm actually capable.