I think for many people, this is probably one of the worst days of the year. It doesn't matter how serious or mild your depression is, on this day we are reminded of all the things we DON'T have in our lives. In some ways, I find that ironic that a day that's meant to be all about celebration and happiness can have almost the exact opposite effect on us.

I think that has a lot to do with expectations. In fact, I believe that depression (while caused by chemical reactions in our brain) is fueled entirely by our expectations of what life is supposed to be. For those of us who have faced depression, many of us have dwelt on that notion that life just hasn't turned out the way we expected to us. For many us, we are sad (and angry) that we believed the "lie." We see through the nonsense in life and we wonder why more people can't see it.

I've been reading a book by Leo Tolstoy called "A Confession." I'm about halfway through it, but it might be one of the most honest accounts of what depression is like I've ever read. Beware, however, that it's an extremely bleak and dark read (at least to the point that I've made it to). I challenge you, if you do choose to read it, to be aware of the idea that it's just one man's view on life and, just because we can relate to it, doesn't necessarily make it THE TRUTH. I enjoy it because he gets my thought processes so extremely well.

I bring up that book because there's a part that really struck me. It's where he tried to define the four different ways that people approach life. One of them involves being totally ignorant of the idea that life is ultimately meaningless (again, his opinion and not necessarily true). The other three talk about how you deal with that knowledge once you uncover it. The part I found most interesting is where he mentions that once you learn the "truth," there is no unlearning it. There is no going back. You can't dupe yourself into not seeing it anymore.

It reminds me of the movie "The Matrix," where one of the characters, Cypher, wants to return to the matrix and forget about the real world. In the end, he winds up making a "deal with the devil" so that he can go back, but that decision ultimately involves betraying his friends. He chose to go back to ignorance so that he could forget, and he was willing to sell out the people closest to him to do it.

I think one of the biggest things we face with depression is this yearning to go back to a time when we didn't wrestle with the darkness inside of us. We yearn to return to a place of innocence and child-like wonder. We want so much to forget the heartache and the pangs of loneliness, and I think no other time of the year represents that to us than Christmas. It's the time when everybody is supposed to be happy, where we are supposed to have loved ones we cherish and spend time with, and we are supposed to have a "life." We see others doing that, and we are starkly reminded just how much we don't have.

But I also think much of it is a facade. I think all the pictures and posts on facebook (or wherever) are just the things that others want the world to see. I think if you could peer behind those pictures and look into their worlds, you might find people who are wrestling with the same feelings you are wrestling with. And why wouldn't they? Do you go announcing to the world that you are hurting or lonely or depressed? No, you put on your mask just like everybody else and you show the world the best side of yourself.

I wanted to make a post to remind you that you are not alone. Not by a long shot. There's so many people out there who feel just like you do today. There's so many of us that can relate to how you feel.

The key, I think, is finding a way to move beyond the expectations. This is a significantly tougher day for many because the expectations are higher...they are more flashy...more in your face. Most days you can hide behind the anonymity of the pain, but here, during this day, you risk exposing it. And that can be terrifying. We don't want the world to see our scars because we don't want them to think we are different...weird...a freak...whatever.

So, today, I just wanted to post this as a reminder that there is hope for all of us, and that you don't have to suffer in silence this year. And to end this post, I would like to share a quote that got me through one of the toughest times in my life. Merry Christmas everybody.
“Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.”

--Dorothy Thompson