I admit I tend not to take in the advice I get as much as I should. I try not to lash out at people, but I find it hard to believe that it's okay for me to be kinder to myself. I don't think I earned the right to be kind to myself.

I've spent the first 15+ years of my life being told that the things I think, say, and do are wrong. I've been told that the problem is always my fault, that I cry too much, that nobody else has the problems that I do, because they have better control over themselves.

I don't trust my judgment, so it feels like when something in my life goes wrong, I have to err on the reason that it's my fault and that it's something so stupid that no one else would ever make that mistake. Trying to make excuses only gets me in more trouble. Being angry at someone, or simply being angry at a problem I caused only makes me look like a petty villain.

It seems like I only have two options: I should either stop screwing up or I should bear the full weight of shame over everything I do wrong. I'd love to do the former, but I guess that will never be possible.