Partless, this is my story. I can't remember a single a day in my life that my mother wasn't depressed, manipulative, lost in her dissatisfaction, afraid to live, ill etc etc. She is an extremely clever, sensitive and talented woman, but did absolutely nothing with her life; she just survived. I'm an only child. She has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive while I was growing up, and couldn't accept me as a different person. Only as a projection of herself, always filling me with guilt every time I tried to do things differently or be more carefree and liberate myself.

Long story short: My mother was the one who first saw my T. They had 5 sessions and she dropped him, because she thought there was nothing wrong with her. Truth is she has had a severe chronic depression all her life, she has to take antidepressants, and she has spent her whole life punishing herself, feeling an extremely guilt and distrust toward a happy and creative life. She took antidepressants for a couple of months and when they started balancing some sleeping trouble she had, she immediately stopped them and sank again. The end.

I spent literally my whole life keeping my mother company in depression. I seriously thought that this is my life purpose: never deviate from the road she walked on. After 5 years in therapy, I still get the urge to try and explain things to her for the 100000th time in hope she would feel better, get inspired to want something better for herself and stop punishing herself. Nothing ever changes. Ever. Just me getting more and more hurt and drawn into this dead end way of relating. I still feel as if I have no right to get out of depression, unless she does first. It's a torture but I want to beat this.

So... I know how it is. I really do. It is extremely hard to say to yourself 'let her be. It is her choice to live like that, but I can do things differently'. What is even harder for me is not to feel guilty and not to regress every time I try to escape this way of living, which is the only one I've known and allowed to myself up until now.