I think I can trace my resentment back. It is rooted in shame for sure. I started getting depressions when I was 13. I managed to hold it together through high school and get good grades and play sports and all that. (Lots of pot and alcohol were involved...self medicating). When I started college I did real good the first semester and then things started to really fall apart. I couldn't get out of bed and make it to class. I got all D's and maybe a C. Of course my parents thought I was just being a lazy bum. This was 1983. I had no idea what was wrong with me but I knew something was wrong. The word depression never came up. I internalized all the expectations my parents and society had of me and when I couldn't live up to them I was deeply ashamed. I left my home town and family when I was 19 and dropped out of college because I couldn't take it.

I ended up becoming a plumber. Because of my intelligence I did very well and they made me a foreman at a young age and I went up the pay scale. I only maintained and coped because of lots of drug and alcohol use. I would have periods of depression where I was just dragging butt. My long time boss who I was good friends with I absolutely hated at times because he would come to my house and lecture me on motivation and how I needed to be more motivated and this and that. The word depression had still never entered my head. I had no idea why I had such low energy and motivation most of the time and why it was so hard for me to get motivated.

At 32 I got diagnosed with depression and started getting treatment of various kinds including meds. A couple of months later I got clean and sober. After being clean and sober a couple of years the $hit hit the fan and my depressions got much much worse. No more drugs and alcohol.

I am pretty emotionally resilient overall from all the therapy and AA. And thick skinned from working on a construction site my whole life. But when someone gives me that cliched quick fix advise on my depression I get very defensive and angry. Underneath is still the shame of being the way I am. I am much much better than ever and I have pretty much accepted myself the way I am. If I am in a deep depression though it is much harder. My sister in law is a good example of someone who is very opinionated and not afraid to give me her advice. Oh it drives me crazy and I will argue endlessly with her about the nature of depression and all the things I have done to fix it.

I am selective in who I talk about it with and luckily have a good support network, but when you are in the middle of a very severe months long depression people notice and will make their little comments.

I have found that most people want to help and feel powerless so they have to come up with some way to fix you rather than just listen and understand and not judge. There are always those who do think you are just a lazy bum and should just snap out of it. At the root of it for me it is a matter of shame and self acceptance. It doesn't matter what other people think if I am content with who I am. Taken a long time to get there and when I am depressed it is really hard to keep that shame and fear at bay.

Anxious minds is very wise and in my case I have had to learn to live with it the best I can. I can make you a list a mile long of everything I have done and how hard I have worked at treating it over the last twenty years. For me it is about making peace with it and managing my life the best I can in the face of it. Currently I am on a set of meds that are working very well and for that I am grateful. To be honest though in the last six years things have gotten much much worse than they ever have been despite all the non med treatment.