Typically, I lose my connection to her. I miss her so much and then, I guess, I emotionally push her away to minimize the pain. So when I see her again, the trust and safety is gone.

But it has gotten better for me. First time, it took me like 3 months to feel fully connected to her again. Second time, it took me 1 month. This last time was actually last week. I was able to stay inbtwn acting on my neediness and desire to push her away. We were able to have a great session that day because of it. Do I feel fully connected? No, but the connection was never completely lost this time.

I think the reason it's getting easier is...
1. I'm getting used to it.
2. The longer I know her, the more she proves she is stable
3. She lets me know way in advance so I can get used to the idea
4. She provides me with a ton of reassurance beforehand
5. I have something to hold onto while she's gone or something to look forward to.
6. When she does come back, she accepts wherever I'm at emotionally and lets me take as much time as I need to re-develop the connection.

I have never felt angry with her for taking a vacation or having to miss a session. I have felt abandoned by her though. And I never ignore her or say harsh things to her.