My practice is with domestic violence victims in family law, and I work every day with battered women who once thought that they could keep their abusive partner from harming their children, and that he would be a good father to their children. Of course, I don't see the women who are successful at accomplishing this, and I don't deny it can be done.

What I can tell you-- in almost 25 years of doing this work, is that children who grow up in abusive homes suffer more psychological effects than children who are abused directly (look up the research). A man who tears down his children's mother emotionally or makes her afraid of displeasing him or engages in frightening physical attacks of her cannot do this without his children hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing (including in utero) what is going on. Many times my clients have told me how they believed the children were always asleep, only to find them "playing house" and repeating horrid things that he had said to her as part of it. Even if the children weren't home, they realized that their children observing her injuries or her fear or distress made them fearful, sad, and prone to acting out in school or other places.

My long winded point is that if you're planning on having a child with an abusive man, you also have to plan on having what happens to you affect your child. Profoundly, from conception to as long as you remain in that relationship. They will suffer psychologically from their home life, and it will impact their school performance, their mental health, and likely their physical well-being. And that's assuming that they aren't directly abused themselves, either emotionally, physically, or sexually.

If your abusive partner is controlling-- which the vast majority of abusive partners are-- your child also now becomes a tool to use as a method of control. While you may have developed strategies (perhaps this is what your mental health professionals call "setting boundaries") to limit his range of control, as a mother you will be vulnerable to tactics of control that involve your children. You may be willing to accept more abuse or control with respect to your own freedoms in exchange for safety and peace for your children. Or it may be that he learns that he can really get what he wants by subtle threats against your baby.

I could tell you many sad stories of women who believed that their abusive partner would never harm their child or that if he tried, she could stop him. Believing in these things is just a fantasy. None of us has any power to stop anyone, even a non-abusive parent, from parenting as they want to. If you can't stop abuse against yourself, how exactly would you be able to protect your child against it? If you had this kind of power, you wouldn't be abused at all, ever.

I would want you, like anyone else, to follow your dreams. But when your dream involves having a baby, it's not just about what you want. Being a mother means you put your child first. Always. And you have to be in a place where you can bring them into the world-- a world where they will live for the next 18+ years-- where they can follow their own dreams. Not hobbled by a home where their mental and physical well-being will be compromised from conception.

I agree that you will be a great mother. But all that you do to mother your child with love and wisdom can be completely un-done if the child's father abuses and controls you. I would ask you not to be in denial about this, and consider working towards being financially independent so you can raise a child on your own and fulfill your dream.