Christmas makes me quite sad for various reasons, but I do love the whole ethos of it and the magic behind it if you have little ones. But there's no denying that Christmas and New Year are like symbols marking another year's end. Another year that was extremely tough, painful, frightening, blah blah blah.

I know I'm not the only person who has had a tough year. This marks five years now for me of no relief from life beating me up.

Tonight I'm feeling quite odd and reluctant about launching into another year of pain with no let up. It never gets better. It's more like subsisting, surviving day to day with rare bursts of warmth from friendship or creativity, but no way of changing the foundational architecture of all the problems. Or, it feels like it. Which isn't the same as things being true facts, I know.

My mother is trying to be nice after snapping at me and hanging up the phone the other day. No, actually, nice is not quite right. She is trying to be neutral, I think. She apologized, to her credit. But I just don't find her in any way comforting. I feel like I'm putting her out. She knows about my head injury, and we don't really say much to each other, she just says matter of factly that it's a pity it's on my face and will leave a scar, but that's life. Really? Is that life? Is that as good as it gets? Am I being a princess and hysterical for wanting actual comfort, sympathy and kind words off my mother(f@cker) when I bust my face open?

Sometimes I think her being like that is more confusing and dangerous to my mental health than when we're actually having a blazing row. I know she is doing what she thinks is best, I genuinely believe she wants me to be ok, I believe her when she says she is glad my virus is improving - but she always seems to end up gaslighting me (by mistake, but still not good) and minimizing.

What about the rest of you who are still caught in struggles? How do you look into the beginning of another year with enthusiasm rather than fear? Where do we find the get-up-and-go to keep trying? Where do you look for inspiration?