"i have a feeling that i might be converging on the actual underlying triggers for my anxiety in this situation."

Allow me to be blunt. IMHO:

You don't trust her.

You don't trust her around her ex.

You don't trust her to make the choices that you have pre-determined to be best for "her" (meaning you).

You don't trust her enough to have a honest conversation unless your therapist is nearby.

You crave being in control of her.... while denying it outright.

You talk about having a future with her while talking about "deal breakers"

YOUR anxiety is at issue here. Shifting the focus to her ex, her choices, her anxiety, her therapist or her dogs is dysfunctional.

Until you are willing to stop procrastinating and actually admit that you are afraid of being hurt ,nothing will change.

You will be forever having one foot out the door.

You feel vulnerable because you ARE vulnerable. That is the trade off of being in a relationship. If this is too painful , then you end up alone.

You came to this forum because, ultimately, you don't to lose her, do you?

Then focus on YOUR issues. Stop distracting yourself with her's.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Eckhart Tolle