Quote:
Originally Posted by xzabitor
It's a little later tonight.. My heads running around like a loose cannon.. I've slowly begun to connect with my inner self again a bit. You know out of my entire journey in this life I’ve never felt so utterly alone. I'm sitting here thinking about how i should of treated people better, but i won't lie to myself anymore about this. I think i finally understand why i am the way i am.. A long time ago a friend once told me "Never lose sight of your path." That was the truest friend i ever had. In all of my struggles i never once considered that opening myself to others could to be my benefit, yet here i am writing on this forum. I was reluctant to give up who i was before on the inside, but now i can see the light. I just had to destroy myself before i could start to grow. For in order to show compassion to others i first had to know the absolute barren depths of sadness. All my life i was used, beaten, controlled, and i still don't know any other way to live than that.. Because when i was open to learning another way, to change, the only person who could show me how to live that way ran away. And now... Now i just don't know anymore. It's not that I’m sinking, rather it's that I’m surrounded by a fortress of white flames, and the only thing i can hear is my own voice and the kindling of the flames. This forum has been a great help.. You all have been so supportive... I just wish i knew how to show you all my gratitude.
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I think I get you, especially the part where you say,
opening myself to others could to be my benefit
I really, really struggle with this because like you, all my life I have been, used, abused, and controlled to the point where there is a permanent part of me that says, "Do what they want or this time they might kill you" - they being the people in my life I depend on. It began with my mother and I have recently become aware that a 'transference' has taken place which causes me to also react the same way to my husband - one gave me life and the other I have always thought of as my soul-mate - which doesn't make sense. My fear of my mother is real and justified, my fear of my husband is not - or at least I don't think it is - either that or I am living in a fantasy world that does not exist, which has occurred to me.
I'm so sorry the only person who could show you another way to live has run away. In my case, I am the one who is always running away.
I love your description of being surrounded by a fortress of white flames. In my head, the voice I always hear is the one telling me to run because if I don't I will die, but the flickering of the flames reminds me that I am trapped, not in any physical way, but trapped by my own irrational thoughts and fears, and so I find myself always giving in, no matter whether I want to or not. In my mind, it has become a matter of survival which I know is irrational. I have tried everything to change this about myself, to 'turn off the switch' in my brain that allows the irrational thoughts to rule me, but if one exists, I can't find it.
Maybe, like you, I just have to destroy myself before I can start to grow, because while I have made unbelievable progress, it doesn't mean much if I can't stop hurting those I love.
I'm glad you're here and look forward to reading more of your posts.
WW