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As per a discussion I had with her on Christmas eve, she would love to do the same. If she and I are still together, and the situation with her dogs means that she won't be able to pack up and leave for that long a time with me, it would be something that would infringe on her own freedom and mine. That would be compromising on my values and, thus, myself, and would be a deal-breaker for me.
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I would submit that this is a too black-and-white a way of looking at the situation. You value freedom, but I trust that is not the only value you have. So the concept of going abroad would involve a balancing of competing values, such as freedom versus relationship. If you are saying that the value of freedom must always trump the value of relationship, then why are you in a relationship?
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it would be something that would infringe on her own freedom and mine.
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it does not infringe on her freedom, because she is free to choose either one. If she freely chooses to stay with the dogs, that is her free choice.
In general, you are on shaky ground when you start to explain why what you value is good for her. She is quite capable of figuring such things out and acting accordingly.
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Having compromised on my values in my previous relationship (with the narcissist), I know how painful that is and have a feeling that the prospect of this (yes, I'm aware of my tendency to think 1,000 steps ahead :-)) amplified my anxiety.
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Do not allow the anxiety to run your life. As discussed previously, the way to progress on anxiety is to confront it, and experience it, not avoid it.
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The thing is, if she does desire to pack up and leave the country for a year, as she says she does, then how important are the dogs to her, really, in comparison to her own freedom?
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On shaky ground. Aside from the fact that she can weigh these things for herself, you are asking her to
permanently give up her dogs. She says that she is willing to give them up
for one year. Those are two entirely different things.
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She herself has said to me that she wouldn't want children yet, for at least the next few years (same for me), because she wants the freedom to move around without causing emotional upheaval to others. So, what exactly is she holding onto here at the moment?
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The dogs, I would think.
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One thing I do know is a deal-breaker for me is not being willing to let go of an ex, whatever the reasons. I offer myself unattached and in my entirety in that regard, and expect the same.
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You expect others to view situations exactly as you do. If they don't, you want to leave.
Others who have posted here have reported that they stay in touch with their ex. Some do, some don't. Why must you leave is she doesn't see eye-to-eye with you on this?
To echo toolman: what exactly are you afraid of?
Perhaps the experience of anxiety is so disagreeable that you are willing to do, and to demand, almost anything to avoid it. If that is the case, my suggestion is to continue therapy, and to practice tolerating anxiety, until you are no longer afraid of it.
Perhaps you are afraid that your girlfriend will leave if she is allowed to have contact with her ex. If that is your fear, my thought is that caging her isn't going to end your anxiety and it isn't going force her to stay with you. It is just going to disappoint her, as you noted yourself in an earlier post. And encourage her to find someone else.
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I know, however, that this is something that she has to realise for herself, because she says she's given up her previous relationship completely. All I can do, I suppose, is give her a bit of time and space to come to this realisation for herself, right?
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If she has given up the relationship completely, what does it matter whether she she's him again or not in connection with the dogs? And in all seriousness, as I believe toolman proposed before:
go with her if at all possible when she goes and see for yourself. What we imagine of an unknown situation is almost always worse than the truth of the matter.
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What I do know is that this relationship is totally outside of my comfort zone, and that's a good thing. My comfort zone has, historically, proven to be incredibly destructive for myself :-)
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Good insight. Always remember that the desire to avoid anxiety or to minimize it is in fact the desire to stay in a comfort zone.