Received some Christmas money this morning. Went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and then had some Japanese food. Then went for a walk and sat on a grassy hill for a while, wished I had a good friend who would sit there with me and talk and laugh. I cried a little bit, lay back and watched the clouds and the sky. High above a plane flew to some distant, unknown destination. Regretted so much, felt so confused about what to do, about the decisions to be made, yet still found the majesty of the present. Now I've been sitting in a coffeeshop for about five hours, and am getting ready to head back to my mom's house.