(((ScarletPimpernel)))

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, and I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you're going through. You ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are ABSOLUTELY 100% GOOD ENOUGH to have a child - please please don't believe that you're not. You're smart, and empathic, and wonderful... you'd be a GREAT mom.

I'm sorry that you're in a position where having a child might not be the best thing for you, for your fiance, or for the baby. I really hope you can talk more to your T about this and let her support you through it (and let her understand what a huge deal it is for you!), and maybe start working on specifically... what concrete things would your T and pdoc want to see in place before you get pregnant. Sorry if I missed it, but does your fiance want a baby too? Does he want it enough that he might be willing to see a T, or do the anger classes, or do couples therapy, or something to work on his own issues?

And one other thing... I want to validate and agree with your perception that it's not fair that to get the treatments you need to get pregnant you need the sign off of your mental health team. You're right, it's not fair... there are lots of women far less ready and qualified than you are who go get pregnant without thinking about whether they're ready, whether the fathers are ready, and whether they're prepared to support a child. Lots... I've got a friend who works in the court system that terminates parental rights for bad parents - there are really TOO many bad parents out there.

It is not fair and... unfortunately it sounds like (if I'm reading this right), that's the reality of the situation? (((ScarletPimpernel)))

I wish I had something more helpful to say... other than I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all this.