Just having a hell of a time here. Unfortunately I've discovered when I start to get sad, rather than getting depressed I find ways to make myself hypomanic, like a few drinks or less meds. Then I go all out.... Random online hookups, spending money, chain smoking, and under or over eating.

This becomes the only way I can seem to refocus my negative thoughts and the only time I feel truly Good and in the moment. I know when I meditate or exercise I feel better, but I can't stick with it. Right now coming down from some risky behavior I feel like a bad person, worthless, broken... All the regrets past and future come flooding back. Not in the moment at all times unless I have a cig or anything, something unhealthy.

Does anyone else ever have anything like this going on?