(((ScarletPimpernel)))

I wish I knew how to do "support" better. I know all the standard things to say about being nice to yourself, treating yourself, etc... but for something this big, that just feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a tiny spoonful of water. I'm so sorry.

Is there anything specific that you can think of that would help you feel supported? Is it just being heard?

As I said, I can't even imagine how difficult and heart-wrenching it is, especially with a family history of reproductive difficulties, to have to make this decision. It really isn't fair, and I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you!

And, I DO hope you find a way to let your T help with supporting you in this. I wonder if actual face-to-face support would feel better than words on a screen?

Do you still want tips for talking to your T about this? I heard you say that you don't really want to write out a long message and have her read it, because you're trying to work on verbalizing things. Could you ask her for help with that? Like, "T, I'm really struggling with something right now - and I need some support from you, but honestly, it's incredibly difficult for me to figure out how to even talk about it. I'm afraid that... (talk about your fears here, for example, if you're afraid that talking about it will cause a breakdown or cause more suicidal feelings)." If you can mention that it's about the decision to hold off on having a child... that will give her some understanding that you're struggling, and hopefully an opening for her to help you verbalize the pain.

My hope is that by doing this, by having her help you talk about it and get empathy in-person, you'll feel a bit more understood and cared about and grounded, maybe?

Life is so hard. I'm really sorry. And, I really, honestly do think that one day, when the time is right, you will absolutely be an amazing mother. All the work that you're doing now - you are DOING the WORK. Most people DON'T. My mom certainly didn't. And, as a result, she has no depth. She has no ability to tolerate anything negative, and that hurt me and my siblings. You're working on all your stuff, taking ownership of your issues, doing the very hard work of figuring out how to be healthy in an inherently crazy and unhealthy world, and facing all the dark stuff. THAT, in my opinion, is a huge strength and a huge gift to your future children. (Oh geez, I'm actually tearing up a little writing this - because I *wish* my mom had done even HALF of that work on herself!)

I'm sending you gentle, warm thoughts... and hoping you find your way through the sadness soon, and that your fiance sees the wisdom of getting help for his issues, so that he can be the amazing father that your future kids deserve.

Lots of hugs... (((ScarletPimpernel)))