I'm wondering if others have experienced difficult emotions and shame about relapse and how you dealt with it. I'm feeling frustrated and angry with myself for allowing myself to relapse. After I was hospitalized three summers ago and experienced an extended period of relative wellness, I told myself I'd never let myself get so sick again. Although I wasn't hospitalized for this episode and I don't think anyone has realized how sick I've been, I know I've been ill this entire past year. There were a number of factors involved, I'm sure. My husband and I did two rounds of IVF in summer of 2013, so I was on a lot of hormones. I got pregnant and had a baby boy at the end of May (he's a love). We had been trying to have a second child for several years - We also have a 9yo boy. During the pregnancy, there was a lot of environmental stress as well - I felt hurt by my husband and sister-in-law, rightfully so to some extent but I know I was also very irrational and let my anger and hurt go on and on. My husband got so frustrated with me that he attacked me physically in March (again, not acceptable but I played a role in provoking him). I have PTSD from a difficult childhood - a lot of violence in my family - so as my psychopharm has said, getting past my husband's outburst and subsequent verbal abuse was especially difficult for me (I'm still struggling). I finally realized a couple weeks ago that despite my concerns about breastfeeding, I need to resume taking Seroquel and have (I was told I could breastfeed on Seroquel by the foremost researcher in women's psychiatry in the country - I'm fortunate to be in Boston). Anyway, so much stress, and hormones, and susceptibility and med changes, I guess, led to depression and anxiety and irritability. I made a bad decision by writing to someone for months about my problems with my husband despite that person asking me more than once to stop - It really was inappropriate for me to share what I did with him and cross boundaries continually. I didn't do anything else adverse, but there's been all the irritability, anxiety, and depression. I get more frustrated with my "spirited" (difficult) 9yo and sometimes yell at him - I don't want to be doing that. And I want my 14-year marriage to work. There's so much that's good about our marriage, even when I don't see it. My husband has been attending anger mgmt therapy since April as well so I know he is committed to never getting violent with me again. He says he never wants my son to think mistreating a woman is ok. Anyway, this has just been such a tumultuous year for me, and I'm so mad at myself and sad that I ended up getting crazy again (I pretty much stalked that friend - my God, how could I do that and feel unable to stop??). I'm praying I can get it together and make 2015 better for everyone. :-(