Guilloche:

Thank you again.
I just want to be heard and understood. I just want to feel like my feelings are valid. Nothing is going to take away the pain right now. Just time, processing, and being able to express myself. I think you're right: I need face-to-face support. I really need my T. I need to cry this out with someone. Tuesday can't come soon enough.

I posted this because I'm trying to not self-sabotage. I'm trying not to follow old, yet familiar, unhealthy habits. I have worked and fought so hard to be where I'm at. That's why I cannot give up all hope. My T always tells me to hold on to at least 1% of hope. Some moments I'm able to, then other times it seems like all is lost.

I have actually been talking a lot to my fiance about therapy since posting. He knows how depressed I am about my decision. He asked me last night what he could do to make me feel better. I told him he could get therapy. I explained to him that my T and Pdoc are right, that even people here are extremely concerned, and that if he truly wants to be a good father, he would do this for himself and his child. He agreed. So I wait to see if he actually does it. He knows how important it is to be a healthy stable parent from his own upbringing. I think it's only fair to also be empathetic to his struggles. But for now, I wait.

To the people I've upset:
I do not hold anyone responsible for my feelings or actions. I was just trying to express that the discussion of my fiance was hurting me. But that pain has been there for years. Maybe licketysplit is right: it's a breakdown of a fantasy. But whatever it is, I'm not ready to deal with that portion of my situation atm. But in no way did I mean to offend. Like I stated before, I value everyone's input and I know it's said out of concern. I'm just not ready to face it head on yet. It's too much pain.