Nature 1968, thank you for answering. i have started therapy exactly because of these issues which i resolved isolating myself or keeping my real feelings for me. it felt like the best solution. only that then it was about friendly relationships, now this is the first serious relationship i find myself in and that i want to go on and work.. so that solution doesnt seem to work anymore and im lost. - and cant/dont want to go back to therapy.

lkbun14, yes, when mind and heart dont agree its very confusing and frustrating. i hate it.

i've seen him tonight and it was torture... until the last 5 minutes when i got to show some initiative. i forced myself to enter into that "role" and it felt good because i felt in control, expressing MY wishes and not only complying with his, and at the same time giving him what he wanted.

what turns me off and pushes me away is feeling and knowing he needs me, he wants me, and he wants to kiss and cuddle and hold hands and hugs and make out and more. all the time. while i wish we had like one "hot session" per week and the rest of the time i could very well be without any physical contact. and even that only time per week, i would force myself to do it even if afterwards i know feel good about it. but to me it feels almost like a duty. only if i force myself to enter into that role i am able to enjoy it, but i wouldnt be able to do it as often as he wshed.

and i cant tell him this because thats the only thing he asks me, romantic affection, and i myself find his wishes more normal than mine. he already agreed to go slowly, respect my pace, not too many kisses on the mouth (while he loves them), my need to have a day alone every now and then... i cant tell him this too. that i HATE romantic affection all the time. he loves it.

does this mean we cant be together????

i am hoping with time he will need this less, while he hopes with time i'll be more effusive. this is not good, right?