I tend to ponder sometimes why this emptiness is there, but no idea. It's hard to explain how is it like. It is like everything that fills you up in a day gets erased tomorrow. And everything has to be freakin' restarted, and that is very exhausting. It's like there is no personality left to say "Hey you! You have these memories of the past. You have these people around you. You have these feelings." etc. There are no moments left to appreciate or value and so on. Therefore, you can't see any kind of future for thyself. Think of a blackboard where things don't remain, and they don't get written down into books or notes (memory/mind). If those words would each have a life, then you would die a little every time one gets erased without something recording it...

So now even if there is no memory to hold, there's gotta be something left still. Here is something I wrote one day:

Don't yearn for what's lost, embrace what has remained. It does not matter what have you lost, you can find value in what's left. Do what you think you must have to do, in due time, even if you don't believe in yourself. No matter how much you've lost or how much damaged you are, there is always something remaining that's worth living for, even if you can't sense it right now.

If living would truly be worthless, why would anyone be still alive or why would you even get up the next day? Lol. We can die at any time, so it is not like fate can't take us back if it'd really like to. Try to trust me on this one, I've tried suicide before, and then learned that until your business is done, fate is not letting you go willingly...you can still go, but I believe you will be punished severely for leaving earlier. Afterwards, I wanted to know the meaning of "love", because I believe that is the meaning to "life", so here is some info on it...

"Love does not see faults. It is towards everyone and everything. Only that can be called love. There should be no motive behind love. Pure love, real love exists where there is no selfishness; when there are no feelings of 'yours-mine'. The world is very selfish, and whereever there is selfishness, real love can never exist there. People would never separate from one another if they had real love. The love they have is selfish and with expectations and motive. How can one call it love? That which never increases or decreases, is love. Real love never increases or decreases. It is love without attachment or abhorrence."

Now, after reassessing my self, I can see that I need my parents to be with me at home, whereas they may not need me anymore, I don't know. I have a need for them, because they extend my existence, they give me meaning. When they are not around, I'm less stable. They stabilize me with their presence, even if we rarely talk. This is fact. People are not solitary creatures, are they? You could say this is love. Longing for a person...with unwavering trust. Is that the yearning of a heart? I have nothing left to gain or to lose, so...I'm not attached to anyone, but I do still have a sense of need for them. I just keep lying and never show it for real, and just run away instead. But love is always there, eh, right?

"Real love is that which does not have any abhorrence behind it. How can it be called love when there is abhorrence associated with it? Love should be unwavering, unchanging. Real love does not increase or decrease. It remains the same, whenever you look at it. Elsewhere in the world as long as you do favors for people, their love will stay with you and it will fall apart when you stop. How can you call that love?"

"Real love is that which remains the same whether one receives flowers or stones of insults. This is the definition of love. Everything else is false attachment and attraction. This is the love of the Lord. When that kind of love arises, there is no need for anything else. It is only this love that is of any value. The one with such love will remain calm when scolded and take the utmost care not to hurt the offender. In the presence of such love, even the wicked person would melt and surrender." Isn't that the core point of Christmas and Jesus' teachings?

"One sees a beautiful face, and one falls in love. But this is not love. Now if there were a boil on that face, one would not even go near her. If the boil were to remain on her face for twelve months or so, he would not want to see her face and his illusion of love disappears altogether. Real love on the other hand, would not disappear even if there were numerous boils."

See what this means? In a similar manner, would one be still interested when he learns that she lives with a terminal illness and only has a little left to live? If that would be love, the other person wouldn't leave her at all and wouldn't be concerned with any 'shortcomings' the others see in her. Anything the other person begins to hate or dislike, is not love, but abhorrence.

I wonder how many people are left with pure love in this world. The angelic one I've found with pure love has died at a very young age. I think the main cause for 'mental illness' (as they say it) is the ultimate lack of love, not being understood, and all that rejection. In this world, you have to play in roles, due to how the world will never adjust to you, so you have to adjust everywhere instead. That is why pure love seems like a pipe dream to me, as I don't think it can ever exist in this big bad world (that divine love) - it can only exist in the imagination of the mind and the wishes of the heart.
As for the dream, maybe that intuition was right.

Now then, what do you think is love?
I think a reply to someone useless like me, means there is still some love and hope left, right? Another reminder: As long as you're still struggling, you have not given up! You're at crossroads still undecided what to do/where to go next, but if you push yourself, you can do it, you can improve and do your best in your life -- that is what a psychologist could have said to me back then, though no one did, but I found it out the hard way. It may be a lie eh?

Similar to what someone said to me once:

"See the world as an incredible new thing, like a kid. Everything is new. You start creating your values, your new personality…it's not that hard once you get to it. Because it's not worth it to end all hopes."

Sometimes, the circumstances don't let us accomplish what we want or need to improve. In this case, all what we can do is to wait until an opportunity presents itself, until then we have to be patient and bear and wait. Change is not only dependent on us, it is also dependent on the whim (randomness) of fate and weighs heavily on the past of our decisions and choices. Things just happen.

Yes, probably that "tender loving care" is what's missing, yet no person can provide it, so fiction and art is the only things left to attend to.