I haven't been here in some time. Wowza. I haven't been on PC much, either, actually.

I'm struggling. I'm caught in an awkward stage where I finally want to put my foot down and say this is who I am, NOT this, but having been through so much in the past year - with the eating disorder manifesting, depression worsening, and social anxiety driving me to the brink of madness - I have retreated into myself. Sort of 'went back into the closet', so to speak. I am living as neither male nor female, but just 'as'. Genderless in many ways. There are genderless Pokemon, and I kind of feel like one of them. Except I'm not, because deep down I know I still identify as male, but recoming out feels strange.

I've realized that I get no respect. Even people who use the right name, refuse to use the right pronouns. They refuse to see me as anything but what my body suggests I 'should' be. This is causing me much stress. And has led to my withdrawal from... everything. And has led to much social anxiety and dysphoria. And when I tried explaining this to my pdoc, he shrugged it off. Leading me to even further withdrawal.

I want to stand up for who I am. I bought a binder online (I made sure it was one of the safe ones), and I've worn it in public once. It seems to work, but man are you guys right. It is... painful. There's not the feeling of crushed organs or anything. It's just... you can't help but be aware that it's there. Hard as heck to get on, too. I've figured out a way, but I still haven't pulled up the courage to wear it on a regular basis.

I know I am reaching a point... where I am ready to transition. I want to. The desire has never been so immense. The longing so strong. Things are holding me back, though. Funds (trans stuff is so bloody expensive), lack of courage, the realization that my own family cannot freaking respect my identity and at least use the right pronouns. But I want to. And I'm ready to. I cannot live... as this person I am not for much longer.

This turned into a much longer post than I anticipated. The gist is this... I've withdrawn from unhappiness, from dysphoria. I've withdrawn, but I'm here.