It's not complicated, but difficult. I mean, I'm being patient going slow with this girl. Almost all the time, I don't want to date anyone. This is why this is the hardest part is the waiting and waiting and feeling like, it might go somewhere and never does. It's always being lied to, feeling like no one is worth any time. People should go on about their business than stopping by.

I feel like God get this over with already, I don't want to wait, and I don't want to date, I don't want to have feelings when I can't feel safe. I'm so used to being treated like dirt why can't people understand that. I feel like some people I like just want to push me away immediately so in response I push them farther and cut them off completely if I have to, but almost all the time if it's like this where I'm not sure.

It's where I'm the most vulnerable angry and rather just shoot my body parts off to ease the pain. Like this is why relationships suck it's like I'm going to die of a heart attack 24/7 and immediately not trust mode despite anything, my emotions are too much all the time. It hasn't changed since ever, I'm doing so much right now to work on it, but it's not my willpower I'm worried about it's my body.

I mean even if I am doing everything right, it doesn't mean anything she can still turn me down and make me some of her friends. I feel like I don't want to be friends sometimes, some people yes other people no I want something more, but not right now, when I vocalize that, I get pushed far away and they date someone else. "I feel like I'm going to go in a mall and shoot up the place it's so frustrating."NOTE: I'm not being serious on that part or joking either. It's an expression of my frustration.

It feels like I'm getting body parts ripped out of me and it hurts so much to feel anything. I feel mostly hateful and angry and sad so hurt. I hate talking to someone, "immediately from my abuse I get butt hurt so quickly by anything, but suppress it so down in my gut to hide it when I release it. I literally punch and self harm myself and starve myself further just to make it go away. I get angry saying, I'm not good enough and my body and my looks can't be better than the other choices, the attitude was fine I did it right, but never was ever a choice. I'm just a number of convenience. I feel worthless and rather spending my time pissing people off and telling them to go shove their love up their ***. "

It gets me so mad, I just want to go death some days and not have the ability to hear their unnerving words of false invitations.

It's why I hate relationships. It feels like all the time, I'm getting strapped down and I'm fighting for my life or else I'll die if I date this person. Feeling like they will hurt me and intentionally try to kill me when I'm not noticing.

I'm being very literal on purpose it does feel like that. It's been like that since ever. No matter how hard I talk it out, I can't be honest with my feelings and when I do I piss the person I like off or push them away. Having any feelings brings this up and it makes me want to shoot myself in the face because I hate having to deal with this again. It gives me anxiety to actually like someone, like so badly, I feel like I should go in the woods and purposely be a missing person. I feel so terrified and angry because how badly I am mistreated so often and frequently, relationships, seem like a far fetched dream that will never come and when it comes expect mostly disappointment. Yeah I am partly to blame, but God not the abuse at least, I can only control my emotions, but it's so scary all the time.

I can't describe how I don't want to date, I don't want to hookup I don't want anything to do with my feelings. I am always left out when girls are around, I'm always left out no matter how I slim down chisel my physique, my personality myself on how driven I am. I know I'll die alone, because I can't even trust my friends without feeling all the time they might try to kill me now.

Like it's so f'ng scary I can't take the feeling. What the hell is this? Am I afraid of commitment or do I have it all wrong? I hate seeing posts on here or anywhere online about other girls with their guy problems and especially their issues on loneliness, because I see I could relate and try to be friends with people I know on fb exclusively and not just be empathetic but go out my way to not feel like this anymore just by doing it myself in the way I know it would work. If someone was able to be there for me, maybe I won't feel like this all the time and believe everyone wants me to rot in hell in a million pieces.

Like this confidence thing is crap, being told weak all the time is crap, it's all crap. I can't say F you to everyone who feels like this, it feels so frustrating. I know when I lose my mom. I'm done, I lost everything no woman to talk to no person to be around for me no friend. I don't have ****. I really don't, I have not much money and trying to get huge in life, before I get to the point of madness where I'll either run away and do what I want homeless or kill myself, because I can't stand the loneliness and those posts other girls have make me so depressed, because I feel like worse than them. I didn't do anything wrong, but every time someone talks about another guy. I feel like, I can't be anything, I can't be picked, I'm always ignored, because I'm different. I feel like, I'm not worth being talked to or even have one friend. I'm always shut out and I'm always crying alone, and just wanting to end it now and constantly trying to get a high from anything just to stop crying for once.

I can't say how many times, I hate saying I love you. I never ever say it, I never want to say it I never want to hear being told to me. I get so angry and emotional, because I can't stand being told I'm something and constantly brought down to nothing. If I'm told to man up and grow confidence then you can go piss off, because I don't have time to hear anyone tell me how I don't measure up to whoever. I don't have time to listen to your drama and I don't have time to be patient to be someone's friend in a double standard when I'm not treated as one either. I don't want to be alive, because people don't care, I don't want to be a live, because I know I'm going to lose all the people who do care from death itself. I don't want to be a live, because I can't take it when opportunities present itself and I take it, and just barely survive and being told that's not good enough. I should of had a smile on my face to look good.

It's all about the looks anymore, I literally starve myself to get noticed. All the time, I really want to go make myself throw up and workout till I puke. I want to stop eating again every time someone tells me they want to talk to me that's a cute girl. I only starve myself and don't spend money on food, because I don't feel valued it's like from me having the hell I live with. Has stunted my relationships and people don't know that, and people I like can't understand it. People think I'm just upset, but I'm devastated and reliving a trauma, whenever someone tells me "I love you or says anything that has feelings behind it that show compassion." I get numb, crying, or angry. I do it so often all the time, because I can't take it. It gets too much.

I wanted more female friends to help me get over this anxiety, but being in a relationship is one of those few opportunities that I actually get something done and my phobia and ptsd fear goes away from self help when I figure it out from my mistakes in relationships. But I had so many mistakes and trauma from too many potential and falling apart and rejections so often and so quickly. I feel so used, like when I hear another girl get used. I am always ignored when I say the same things, so I get mad and feel like why can't I be like them. Why can't I have their body and their priviledges why can't people come up to me? I don't want to bother anymore. I don't even want to do it anymore, because I don't care. I don't care, about trying to impress anyone, because I figured they aren't worth my time if I have to impress them. I tell anyone who expects me to do something, because I'm a guy to go away. I don't care. I don't care, and they think I'm unhealthy, I get abused all the time and don't have much to cling on in life so don't tell me I'm weak and I'm not confident. You have no right to push me around, because I'm like every other guy you think I am. In the end, if I killed myself who would it matter, because I wouldn't kill myself for you, I don't even care because you don't. I figured, that I'm not even suicidal because of a girl when people used to believe that garbage. I was suicidal, because no one believed me I was abused no one believed me ever. I was always the crazy one, and always the one who'd die young. I can't believe how hard it is to say anything. And you someone I thought I would like, potentially have the audacity to go around telling me how worthless I am, because I didn't do anything. I didn't hit you, I didn't swear, I didn't say anything, I didn't even date you, you and I just used up time and space for the moment, and I just enjoyed it for what it is and you wanted more. It's always you wanted more.

Can't you see, I'm ****ing done with dating, like I'm never going to do it again. I've not dated anyone in 2 years. I don't want to think about in 10 years. I'm so hurt by it all the time, because I don't have faith no one has proven **** or even cares. I don't even want to care, because it's so not worth the time as people who can do it make out to be.