i'd like to share stuff... i guess i am feeling a little closed up since T has been gone. i'm in a difficult home situation and it's also making me clam up. If i open i might explode... or someone here IRL might have access to me emotionally. But i'll try harder.

i have a lot of trust issues. My T says it's for good reason because it's been broken so much. i never knew just how bad that had gotten until i tried to talk to him... and he is like the most open, calm and pleasant guy.. how could i not talk to him?

i've had two relatively brief brushes with therapy before.. the first a disaster and the second was more like short crisis management. No one has ever dug deeper really. i am surprised to read how many people seem to be in, or seem to be in, some form of analytic therapy... psychodynamic i guess? Couches and stuff.. free association. i don't think there is even any T's who do that here. They are all CBT's generally. Mine is Schema... but we haven't even got to that yet. It's also been predominantly crisis managment.. sadly.

Life is crisis.. for me anyway... and it has been for about two years.. worse in the last year. This past fall was a day by day process for me. Now it's better than that, but it's a struggle still. i get powerfully suicidal and have good reason for that. There is very little in my environment that i can control/change to make things better. Changing anything is painfully slow.

i have been a Babble member for the past few months and they have been a godsend. In the middle of the night when crisis hits i can pour my heart out somewhere. In light of the recent problems there i realised i needed more than one basket for my eggs. Life is too precarious for me not to. i am hoping people will like me here.

i do actually have a message from him.. an answer to a question that is relevant to my situation... and i listen to it over and over and over.