The longest "relationship" I had was two years, but that was according to my ex not by me. The longest it probably lasted to be called one was like 2 weeks or at the most 2 months. I used to settle for the best looks as possible and not really take much into consideration at the time see how bad it could be. Oh god I made really bad start and decisions. It always ended me getting cheated on and me being like always feeling like I'm going to get shot or someone by someone she may had cheated on me with to shoot me in my sleep. I dated real sociopathic chicks, like they did not care who they hurt if they caused drama and got their own way which is how I learned how to say no a lot now when it came to girls hitting on me or pushing people away in the first place, because that **** was scary. I had one kill herself and blame it on me, after nearly dying myself from a deadly disease. Another aborting my child and beating me and treating me less than **** in front of my family and friends who were so apalled by it they even kicked her out of the house even her own father did once. I dated one whose mother was crazy angry of me for no reason come back around 4 years later and she wants to have sex with me because she ends up meeting me and falls for me hard. I dated a girl who I thought lived close to me and was native west virginia. I dated a girl who was a drunk who was my last ex and always was so angry and depressed and someone who was pretty miserable to be around it felt like she was so shy and awkward, like we were so comfortable we did possibly everything when it came to sex early on and she still is shy to talking to me.

At least the only thing that didn't go wrong was my sex life, at least. Despite the low blows that were told to me, just to make me feel worse about myself and it wasn't that I did anything huge to piss them off. It's like I didn't call them or text them at a certain time when I'm eating or going to the bathroom taking a poo or in the shower. Stupid things like that. They say all this horrible things to make me feel less so they have so much control over me. I learned I wasn't in love and was being abused, because I didn't know that very well it was how I was abused all my life in the first place. No one told me about there are some really bad people who will use you dry and will cut throat you when they feel like it.

But anyways, I'm complimented on my sexual status quota at least a lot.

It was encouraging, but very sad it felt like all I was used for all the time was my man parts and how I had sex with the people I did have it with. It was like why am I even bothering. I should just get into porn professionally and do gay/bi/straight porn to make more money if I'm complimented as much as I was.... again sarcastic, but I was seriously considering now being a male stripper.

Then it was so hard coming out, as bi now, and I'm not dating guys, because I don't like many guys that much sexually, but when I do the personality classes instantly. I can work with women, I'm used to it, I figured more testosterone is very aggravating. I don't want to date dudes it just wouldn't work for me even though I wouldn't mind having sex with a guy.

Then again before I came out as trans, because it's why I like girls, it's why I'm me. I'm truly a woman, whose a lesbian who has a hard time finding the right girl who is her perfect match. Seriously I feel like I'm in that same boat in my heart, but the looks deceive, but I'm not changing for nothing. I like my body and I'm not changing it ever. It be too impractical to tear it up to get the female in me and the chances of me ever having a relationship with any girl would be shot down to probably almost 0. At least where I live, oh they are very respectful and accepting of homosexuals here, but trans. Oh god, it's best you stay at home, because you'll get shot or raped out here just for looking like your trans. I hate this ignorance here, it's spread to everyone. It's why finding a decent person is like near to nothing. It's like they are super nice, but so insane on religion they start shutting me down and controlling me as if I can't breathe without preaching five versus. The other extreme is that, is what I had before with my previous relationships.

Like I'm not saying this is impossible, but it sure feels like it.

I know it seems like I'm worrying about this too much on it's own and this is only my main concern in life. It's not, I get very distressed, because I'm tired people throwing their baggage at me and expect me to take it before I can hold their hand or have sex with them that's how conservative we are. Like you can't even get a hug sometimes without being threatened a gun to your face by someone who is too ignorant after being clear to the point on how you are going about. It's like they get exactly what you're saying and understand you, but completely disregard it and just blow up everything in site, because they didn't care or even maybe not had the capacity to understand what you were trying to say. It's not just me, it happens to everyone here. It's like the north korean minefield, I don't understand why some of these people are getting married now too. It's like you are both ticking time bombs drop 4 kids and now getting married because of the children. I am glad you make something happen, but how you are going about it is completely insane and it won't help those children for a little over 18 years.

I'm just saying from personal experience. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who want to tie me down before I can get financially stable with a place again or expect to get them pregnant and I've just met them yesterday. It's like go away all of you! You're all crazy! Go get pregnant and marry someone else not me! The guys who do get with these kinds of people, are pretty sad individuals a little more than the girls who get with them. They act all tough and macho and then when they date this girl they act super timid and scared and whine and complain a lot and just ignore them. It's like watching a man turn into a 2 year old in seconds, and it's like he get his diaper changed if he doesn't get his 8th beer in an allotted time. It is like what all people do here, get drunk, high on meth and heroine, pop out babies drop out of college and the people who graduate I'm happy they make their lives worth something and get very far away from here, and they shut out all their friends and be a completely nasty person when they date someone immediately. It's like why does everyone do this here. It's like their common sense goes right out the door and just focus on doing something that won't even achieve what they are wanting to achieve.

It's so scary, I am talking to this girl who seems nice. I'm praying this works, like if not. I'm just going to push everyone away from that point on for the next 5 years or at least when I move out of this city. I don't care if I don't have a gf till I'm 70. These people are leeches in my life that just want to come and go. I don't have time for that. I just want someone to stay like most people, but the hard part is making it work on my end and trying to keep myself sane and at the same time enjoy being with the other person. I don't have that, it's all misery no fun or it's a win lose situation where I'm at the losing end usually.

Like I am going to make it possible to be actually so "undateable" if that's a word.. Just to see what it's like to really not be alike anyone on this planet. At this point, it's like I'm not even going to worry about getting past year 1 I can't even get past month 6 without going to hell fast. People are like dropping me like a fly because of freaking darwinistic crap because I don't fit in anything defining for them to mold. Like I'm grateful I'm different.

I'm just tired of being treated like dirt and all I want is a girl who is just my friend who doesn't leave me is waiting patient and just a great listener and someone who is independent minded, hard headed, and wants me to be in their life doesn't matter where I'm at they love me as a friend so much. They don't care, I'm the closest thing in their life even after I die. Why can't I have something cool like that? Everything else sounds absolutely boring and mostly all misery.