Embarrassed by these feelings of sadness, inadequacy, regret, hopelessness.
Lonely within my marriage. Hate the idea of going back to work tomorrow. Just want to curl up into a fetal position with a blanket over my head and hide from the world. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I don't want noise of any kind. Overwhelmed and over stimulated by this crazy world we live in. I've spent too much money and charged too much on the credit cards this holiday season in hopes of buying happiness by making others happy in the purchase of expensive, unnecessary gifts. Overwhelmed by a debt and student loan pit I can never climb out of. Sedentary, overweight mom, wife, and nurse. I stay completely exhausted but have great deal of difficulty in obtaining quality sleep. No energy. Very little hope. My Christian faith has kept me alive in the past 22+ years of battling major depression. Some days I'm just too tired to think about fighting this dark pit anymore. The one that is always there lapping at my heels, even on the "good" days. No one would know I fight these feelings because I'm an excellent actress most of the time. Class clown and senior speaker of my high school class. President and graduation speaker of LPN and RN school. Work as nurse supervisor 5+days a week and have no idea how I manage to shower, dress, and put on a happy face most days when I'm dying inside. Putting on this act is mentally and physically exhausting and challenging, which explains my never ending fatigue. I feel like it would provide a reprieve from all of this if I just ended it all and fell into blissful repose by closing my eyes, and never waking up. Just feeling done. Tired of hurting and most of the time not knowing why. If you can't understand why you feel this helpless, hopeless, and tearful...then how can you fix it. Scientifically, it's a chemical imbalance. I take my antidepressant every day, yet these feelings continue...some times worse than others. I'm sorry. Just having a really bad emotional day. Guess I should schedule an appointment to have medication adjusted and request mental health referral.