I've always had to maintain an awareness of how I'm "acting", so that I let as few feminine traits slip through my male façade as possible. But, of course, one can't catch everything.

One morning I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. As it happened, I had my left hand positioned on my waist, thumb to the front & fingers to the back. (Try it... you'll see what I mean.) My wife came in, looked at me, & commented: "That's a nice position..." I put my arm down.

Another time I had just arrived at work & was sitting in my pick-up truck in the parking lot. As it happened the owner of the company I worked for, & one of his brothers, walked by on their way to the office building. They looked my direction & (stupid me) I gave them a kind of a limp-wristed wave! I then got out of my vehicle & headed into the building as well. As I caught up to them, the brother mimicked my limp-wristed wave & laughed: "What's this?" I just smiled & kept on walking.

Cis-men have a strict code they must adhere to in order not to be suspected of being weird or gay or effeminate. It is like the rules of fugue... a pathway between two concrete walls. Step out of line once, & you can be suspect for a long time to come. Some just never quite measure up. As hard as I've worked to stay on the path, it didn't matter. I kept scraping up against those concrete walls. I never was, nor will I ever be, free of suspicion. One of the good things about getting old is, I no longer care... too much...