My T grew up in a dysfunctional family and did not experience a secure attachment as a child. She went to therapy as an adult and worked on her attachment issues. I don't think they ever completely "fixed" either, but she did the work of resolving them to the extent that they can be resolved. It has been very helpful for me to have a T who can relate (at least to a certain extent) with my experience of not having a mom and never having a secure attachment as a child. She can understand, on a personal level, what that feels like and how it leaves you with a "hole" or an "emptiness" where that parental love and connection should have been. For me at least, it has been very helpful to have a T who can understand and relate to my experience. I think it would be difficult to get the same kind of understanding and recognition from a T who had never experienced that emptiness. What has helped me the most is developing a secure attachment with my T-- it's something I have never had before. There hasn't been anyone I have trusted in the same way before, and it makes me hopeful that I can develop those same kind of secure attachments and relationships outside of therapy.

For me, it was not my T who told me that I have attachment issues. I went in knowing that I had never had a secure attachment and knew that I had an anxious/pre-occupied attachment style. I didn't know if my T could help or not, but I figured it was worth trying. I also discovered along the way that going back (even when I didn't want to) and giving my T the opportunity to fix any mistakes she has made or clear up any misunderstandings (even when I thought she should have known better) was what allowed the secure attachment to develop. I learned that people make mistakes, people aren't mind readers, and people don't always understand things the first time--- but, if someone is well-intentioned, it's worth it to give them the time and the opportunity to talk things through, work things out, and allow the relationship to become even stronger as a result. I've stuck it out, and so has T. Of course, it's up to me to keep scheduling appointments and to ask for what I need-- and she accommodates those requests. The therapist cannot fix our attachment issues-- that's our job. But they can help us if we allow them to. That means dropping our defenses, listening, being vulnerable, and giving them second chances-- it's incredibly hard sometimes, but it's worth it when we can see the progress. Not every T has these skills, but many do. I don't think we can tell whether they will be able to help us or not until we give them the opportunity to try.