I relate to this very much, and you put it into words so clearly that I realize this is different for me than it used to be.

When you've been hurt and betrayed by other people, it is smart to keep your distance from them, it may be so automatic a defense that you have to work consciously to let your defenses down. Many of us may have an optimal psychological distance (like personal space) so that we automatically move forward or backward as the other person does.

What I've experienced is that the more "in the moment" I am with my T (or other people), the less I worry about whether they are close or too close to me. I guess that may be the definition of being present. But your awareness that this is what you do leads you closer to being able to choose to let someone closer, if that is what you want.

There was a time when I was afraid of taking risks (actually, this is still true, just not all the time) to share myself with my T and others. Over time it has felt to me that as I feel stronger and healthier, that there is less risk to doing so. The biggest risk may be that people do not respond as you wish them too, but my perspective has changed on that as well. I'm not too invested that people respond a particular way, if it's not helpful, I just move on, if it's something I didn't want but can use, I consider it. It does open up your relationships and your world when you choose to do things differently than you always have. The good part about change is that you can always go back to another way of being. You're not committed to it forever, you can try it out and see how it goes.

It seems to me that you're doing very good, insightful work here.